Personal and undiluted views
The Real Man Pizza Company

2879 days ago

A Spaniard breaks the law at the Real Man

It is not often someone admits to breaking the law but checking out the latest review of Maribelle’s – the new tapas and wine bar situated underneath Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell, we see such a confession this week.

Our new friend from Spain writes:

I am Spanish and I decided to break the law... Never visit Spanish restaurants abroad! Well, for every law there must be an exception, and I found it in London. Great tapas: chorizo, patatas bravas, mushrooms, meatballs, ... and I found a great Ribera del Duero wine, which is quite unique if you don't really know about Spanish wines. I almost forgot... did I mention the service by two beautiful Spanish girls??? Oh my goodness!

It must be a five stars to me. Will I repeat? sure! next time in London.

Well you cannot say fairer than that. In case you have forgotten our waitresses we attach a reminder.

Maribelle’s is open 1 PM to 11 PM Monday to Friday. We hope to see you there soon.


2880 days ago

You have a BBC voice – how should I take that?

I have just been interviewed by an MBA student from the local business school here in Clerkenwell. They are doing a project on Real Man Pizza – they are regular customers and love the place but they are coming up with a few ideas to improve it. As part of their project they interviewed me on video.

Wow said the bloke, you have a BBC voice – have you ever done TV? I fessed up to my shameful Show Me The Money Past and wondered whether having a “BBC Voice” was such a good thing these days? It was meant as a compliment and I take it as such. There was no diatribe from me about bias, nonces on TOTP or other matters.


2882 days ago

The latest artwork at Maribelle’s

It is a bit of a long story but our latest pierce of artwork at Maribelle’s, our new wine & tapas bar underneath Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell, comes from Bristol sculptor Sophie Howard. We cannot pretend that there is a Spanish theme but we like Sophie’s work and hope to show more of it in future.


2884 days ago

Real Man Pizza Company is really in Liquorpond Road

As I contemplate a trip to London on Monday with far too many lunches and evening “sessions” already booked in at The Real Man Pizza Company I am sent a map of London from 1746. I look up Clerkenwell Road and…it does not exist.

But where Real Man is today is very much there on the John Roque map. It is just that our street is known as “LiquorPond Road.” How appropriate.

You can see the map here


2893 days ago

Bulletin Board Moron of the Week – NOT Tom Winnifrith on LSE Sefton Board

As ever, the competition to be the Bulletin Board Moron of the week is a fierce one. But the winner this week is a poster on the LSE Sefton Board called Tom Winnifrith. What a total moron and – for what it is worth – a law breaker to boot.

The FSMA Market Abuse act does cover Bulletin Board Morons as well as normal human beings. And to deliberatlely spread knowingly false information about a stock is market abuse – maximum jail sentence 5 years.

This total imbecile is claiming – as per the screen shot below that a bid at 1.2p per share for Sefton is on the way.  He is also claiming that I have sold Real Man Pizza Company to buy Sefton shares but that there is free pizza on offer at Real Man for anyone who wants it.  Er…what can I say other than this is untrue and that this poster also has the writing style of a three year old.


2894 days ago

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Girlfriend for a Real Man

Once again the call came in:

“Can you do a delivery for my boyfriend at 12.30 on 14th February?”

Aha – I remember you from last year!

Yes the perfect girlfriend has called again. What more could a man want than for his partner to send him a 12-inch seafood pizza with a bottle of chilled Argentinian lager pinched from our new tapas bar Maribelle’s for his Valentine’s Day lunch?

The perfect present from a girlfriend who knows how to please!

The full take-away and delivery menu from Clerkenwell’s finest pizza joint – Real Man – can be viewed here [PDF]


2894 days ago

The final journey for Kitosh (my old cat)

Kitosh came to me as a kitten and had a varied life in Islington, Shoreditch, France and finally in the Isle of Man. I remember well the Paris to Douglas train, taxi, train, train, ferry and taxi journey we made together. His sudden death in Douglas a few years ago was a real blow. His ashes have travelled with me since then but have remained for almost two years in a wooden urn hidden at Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell. Now his final journey begins.

Born on a council estate in Walthamstow he would not have imagined that he would have been so well travelled. But the travelling is now over.

Now that I have a sense of permanence, the Mrs and I have agreed that Kitosh’s urn can be buried in our garden underneath the fig tree. We are not sentimental enough to contemplate some grand ceremony. It will just be the Mrs watching as I dig a deep hole and in goes the urn. The tree marks the spot.

During some years of upheaval for me Kitosh was the one constant in my life and a portrait of him already hangs in the new house as a reminder of that. I am not sure the Mrs is that impressed but she has let it go.  So this weekend it is the final farewell, RIP Kitosh my good friend.


2899 days ago

A plug for a rival Italian restaurant run by a very nice lady

I was sitting in Real Man Pizza Company in Clerkenwell on Friday night before we enjoyed a mid-late evening rush. It really was great seeing nearly every table occupied and Maribelle and her staff coping with it all superbly. But I digress…before the rush.

I was tapping away at a spreadsheet and two ladies were finishing their meal at the next door table. “Are you the owner?” said one. Not sure what she was about to say, I said that I was. You have changed all the staff since I came here two years ago, have you not? Oh no, I feared she was a pal of one of the old codgers we used to employ. Once again: “yes” said I.

“Congratulations" she said and then added that the food was much better than two years ago, the atmosphere, décor, menu had been transformed and that it now looked like a sharp, cleanly designed, great restaurant. And she thought that Maribelle’s downstairs looked amazing. “Cripes, what’s the but…” I wondered.

The lady said she had to tell me because she was herself a restaurant manager, had been in the trade for 21 years, and she knew what hard work it must have been and she just wanted to say how impressed she was.  What a nice lady.

And so I am sure that if you cannot make it into Clerkenwell but can get only as far as Highbury, you would have a wonderful experience at Il Bacio at 178-184 Blackstock Road, N5 1HA. Its manageress is clearly someone of taste and charm and I cannot believe would put a foot wrong.


2905 days ago

Meet the team at Maribelle's: Ana, Viktoria and Maribelle herself

We open at 1 PM tomorrow and will be open 1 to 11 Monday to Friday. Located beneath Real Man Pizza in the heart of Clerkenwell is our new venture. Tomorrow sees the launch of Maribelle's a new wine and tapas bar. We also serve some amazing sherries and 14 Spanish speaking beers.

And here is the team that will serve you should you pop along. From left to right: Maribelle (herself), Ana and Viktoria. I hope to see you all from tomorrow... 



2913 days ago

Having to Choose 14 beers to drink – it is a hard life as we prepare to launch Maribelle’s

You know I have a hard life. Deciding which 14 bottles of beer to drink is the sort of chore that I have to suffer. I can sense the waves of pity heading my way. Actually it was not quite as it seems.

The countdown to the launch of our new Spanish themed wine bar Maribelle’s is accelerating. We go live on Monday February 3rd at 91-95 Clerkenwell Road.  Fear not, Real Man Pizza is not closing – it thrives with its new menu as the quirkiest Italian restaurant in town. It is just that we are opening up our unused basement as Maribelle’s. And so last week I worked hard on:

Hiring a new waitress. The first girl to walk in was Ana from Spain. What can I say? Her CV was perfect, she wants to be a journalist but she could be a model. She had the job in 30 seconds. No messing about there. An easy executive decision.

Then the wines – 25 Spanish wines, white, red, rose, Cava. I love a white Rioja. That was fun. Eight Sherries as well. I know I kind of associate sherry with our grandparents, with what my philosophy tutor at Oxford Dr Malpas used to pour before a tutorial or with the 1970s. But white Sherries, chilled, can be fantastic and we have a cracking selection on offer.

Then to the “Spanish speaking beers”. This is a bit of a cheat. Of the 14 one is a Spanish cider. And seven come from Spain. The rest are from Argentina, Peru, and Mexico and – as a real cheat since they speak Portuguese there – one is from Brazil. I dithered about the Argie lager but it is just so good.

Then the real treat – the tapas menu. A few heated discussions with Maribelle herself (our chief waitress from Spain who has two degrees in economics and takes her clothes off to campaign for world peace) ensued. But we have agreement now and this week the cooks will be practising hard to get everything just right.

The sign makers are commissioned and new signage goes up this week while the electricians and carpenters are in over this weekend.  This afternoon Darren and I will finalise the artwork (some debate over a brass model of a woman’s bottom is still to be concluded – I vote yes, Darren and his Mrs are dithering) and the furniture. And then down to the marketing literature featuring Ana.

All of the team at Real Man is very excited about this new venture. Fingers crossed. I hope to see many blog readers popping into Maribelle’s from the third. Hint: Ana works Tuesday to Thursday.


2919 days ago

Invitation: Pizza with David Lenigas on Thursday 23rd in Clerkenwell

Okay the time & venue are fixed: 12.30 PM at The Real Man Pizza Company 91-95 Clerkenwell Road, London, EC1R 5BX. Maybe try the new pizza named in David’s honour (his suggested recipe). If you want to attend & to give us a help on numbers drop me an email at [email protected]

David will be joined by the CEO of Rare Earth Minerals and I will ensure that he and the Rare Earth chap switch chairs often enough to chat to all. David says he has happy to take questions on any of the companies with which he is involved: Inspirit, AfriAg, Leni Gas & Oil, UK Oil & Gas and I am sure that I have forgotten a few.


2921 days ago

Want to join the Pizza Party with David Lenigas & The Rare Earth Metals CEO on Thursday 23rd

As you may recall David Lenigas, the serial AIM entrepreneur suggested a new pizza recipe to me and as a result we now serve a pizza named in his honour at The Real Man Pizza Company in Clerkenwell. And next Thursday Mr Lenigas is paying us a visit. Fancy joining him?

As an after lunch treat, the bard of the Boleyn Lucian Miers is threatening to join us for “a coffee”.

If you fancy popping along please drop me an email ([email protected])so that I can ensure seating is available. It might be just the three of us but David has made this an open invitation via twitter


2924 days ago

Awesome New Menu Launched at Real Man Pizza Today

Serial entrepreneur David Lenigas is a busy man running a stack of AIM listed companies but he is also a bit of a gourmet (should that be gourmand) and has suggested a new recipe for  our Real Man Pizza company restaurant in Clerkenwell. And so as Real Man launches its enhanced new 2014 menu today… 

We bring you three additional pizza recipes including “David’s Thai Prawn Pizza” – king prawns, satay sauce, julienne carrots, fresh coriander, green onion and peanuts on a thing crispy pizza base.  There are two other new pizzas, a smoked salmon pasta dish, three new salads and three new pudding options including Reda’s Chocolate Mousse cake which is heavenly.

Roll up, roll up at 91-95 Clerkenwell Road, EC1R 5BX from 12.30 today for a Real Man (or Woman) gourmet experience.

You can see the full starter and main course menu here. [PDF]

You can see the full pudding menu here. [PDF]


2934 days ago

If you are reading this in Romania or Bulgaria, please come to England as I have a job for you

I realise this may not win me many friends among the Daily Mail reading classes but I need a new waitress as Real Man Pizza Company in Clerkenwell is opening up a new venture in its basement area from February and if you are reading this in Romania and Bulgaria today feel free to get in touch.

Naturally I shall advertise in the UK as well. £6.50 an hour or whatever the minimum wage is. 30 hours a week. Job waitress and also plongeur. She needs to be presentable. To like very hard work, to be numerate and to speak good English. Notwithstanding the need to be numerate and to speak good English a few products of the UK Comprehensive schooling system will be qualified. 

But will they apply? Like hell they will. You see I have done this before and young Brits would rather live on welfare/go to a crap former poly to study a worthless degree than go get a job which involves hard work and pays the sort of wage an unskilled less than 20 year old can expect to get as a first job. If they work hard they can expect to earn more in due course, I am a fair employer.

But folks. You always start at the bottom.

What the immigration loathing wolf-whistlers of UKIP and the Tory right fail to realise is that the Romanians/Bulgarians are not taking jobs from Brits but are needed to do the jobs Brits refuse to take.

I shall give home grown talent the chance to apply. But since I know from bitter and hard experience that this is doomed I also make this offer to our friends in Transylvania, Sofia and Bucharest. If you want to work hard, improve your English and have the skills I want we want to offer you a job. Can you start February 1?  


2948 days ago

£5 all day on all pizzas and all pasta at Real Man In Clerkenwell

Isle of Man symbol made of Christmas stockings

Your favourite Celtic Italian restaurant goes on a two week break as of 11 PM tonight! Whey hey it is holiday time! And to celebrate this – and to clear any surplus food hanging around in the larder – for today only ALL pizzas and all pasta dishes are priced at just £5 each. At the Real Man Pizza Company in Clerkenwell.

Including our world famous chocolate pizza.

We hope to see you at 91-95 Clerkenwell Road, London EC2R 5 BX at some stage today.


2960 days ago

What were Lady Thatcher’s greatest failings?

Reflecting on the UCL Libertarian dinner at Real Man Pizza last Thursday and on a chat with its guest speaker my mind turns back to Lady Thatcher and wondering what were her greatest failings as Prime Minister.  Thinking off the top of my head my top seven would be:

1. A failure to reform the world’s third largest employer, the NHS so that it cared for patients in a cost effective manner rather than looked after over-paid and unaccountable staff

2. A failure to privatise the BBC


2982 days ago

17 days into Movember – the Facial hairs are getting itchy

As you can below see the moustache is growing at a reasonable rate. If I did not have (far too many ) flecks of grey it would look even more pronounced but it still looks a bit daft to me. And it itches. I really cannot see why anyone would choose to  wear a moustache. But it is Movember.

To those who have sponsored me in this good cause, thank you. 

If you have not yet sponsored me, feel free to do so here.

Many thanks in advance

And remember that if you are enough of a real man that  you  are growing a tash for Movember you can get 20% off your bill during Movember at Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell – more details HERE


Example static alt text


2985 days ago

A sheepish call from the bloke who did a runner with his Mrs.

You may remember my delight in discovering that the couple who did a runner from Real Man Pizza last Friday had left behind an expensive handbag. The bloke telephoned today…

“I think my girlfriend may have left her handbag at your place”, he said. “Would that have been last Friday I countered? “ “Yes”. He said. “You were the couple who lefty without paying your bill were you not?” I cenquired in a polite but firm manner..

“Yes, I am very sorry about that, of course I will settle in full.” He said rather sheepishly. “I have your bag”, I answered. A few hours later the gent wandered in, terribly apologetic and looking rather sheepish. He paid. He said they had had a difficult night.” I understand” I said gracefully and patted him on the shoukder in a new man, sort of understanding way. Inside I was laughing. Justice.

On the subject of telephone calls and justice, Rebekah Brooks and her old man wandered past Real Man today, arm in arm. They did not exactly seem to be full of the joys of life.


2986 days ago

The Joys of the 4.47 AM from Bristol

The Mrs hates me catching this train as she is woken up by my alarm clock at 4 am. I understand her point and so only take it now and again as a treat, when I have to be in London early. But it is a treat. It is the last train before 9.30 which does not cost a second mortgage to catch, but it is the best train of the day.

The cab speeds through a deserted City in minutes. There is no traffic, no jams which serve simply to annoy. A quick fag and I climb aboard a deserted train. There is just one other person in coach D 


2989 days ago

Countdown to Christmas at Real Man Pizza – 32 puddings produced

Making three Christmas puddings is easy. But scaling up to make 32? It was fun! Pounds and pounds of currants and then pounds and pounds of sultanas, candied peel and a while pot of mixed spice. Fifteen apples, 45 eggs and six lemons gave in to the cause.

But the real joy was the alcohol. It was an opportunity to polish off a bottle of white rum and a bottle of calvados (apple brandy).

And then to pour into a huge mixing container three quarters of a bottle of Italian brandy and the same amount of Masala wine (a drink a bit like sherry). Our Christmas puddings will have a bit of a kick.

As a bonus there are a few of our 32 which post steaming have been left to rest for a few weeks with a healthy dose of Shetland vodka to add to the mix – they will be serving a special purpose.

What do 32 Christmas puddings look like? Well here are 15 so double up and you might imagine.

We will start serving our full Christmas menu at Real Man Pizza, Clerkenwell's finest Italian restaurant, from December 1st.

For details of that full menu & for Christmas bookings (meals or parties) CLICK HERE

Trade is already getting pretty hectic ahead of December so for a meal, normal or Christmas, at Real Man from here on in we would advise making a booking by calling 0207 242 3246 from 10 AM any day.



2989 days ago

Tough justice for the couple who did a runner from Real Man Pizza

They ordered two main courses and a large glass of red wine. The young couple guzzled the red wine greedily before the food arrived they just did a runner, paying nothing. Bastards. But hey ho there is a God…

In their haste to commit theft, the bird left her expensive handbag behind. It is now sitting safely locked away with her diary inside. Hey ho. Over to you folks.

They can either come in and pay for the WHOLE meal and get the expensive handbag + diary etc back. Or they can come in and try to haggle in which case we will bring the police in as “doing a runner” is theft. Or the bird can avoid a bill of £23 and go buy a new handbag for a multiple of that.

Frankly I do not care what they do. The bastards have got their just deserts already. Imagine how they felt as they strolled off laughing at how easy crime is to commit, when she suddenly remembered “where’s my handbag?” 

If you are reading this you thieving scumbags you know where we are…


2996 days ago

This Movember it is time to be a Real Man for once

I think moustaches look ridiculous. I have thus never grown one but here goes as I embrace Movember 2013.

The Mrs has a very good friend Dan who works there and I follow his lead. One should try everything once except incest & folk dancing (actually I have done a bit of folk dancing) and Movember is a good cause and so I shall grow a moustache just this once, this month.

If you care to sponsor me you can do so here

Moreover to support others who are doing the same for the month of November we will offer a 20% discount to any customer of Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell, who is also taking part in Movember. Real Man would like to support Real Men.

So if you are in the Clerkenwell area and fancy taking some quirky Celtic Italian food and drink and would like to take up this offer we’d love to see you. More details can be found at


3000 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 7: The Soddag Valloo is ready

Example static alt text

Have a piece of Soddag Valloo on Hop-Tu-Naa before going to bed. Eat in silence (hence the English name dumb cake). Have a sip of water. Walk backwards to bed and you will dream of the person you will marry. Sounds great. But there is a drawback.

Soddag Valloo is made from eggs (yolk, white and the shells very finely crushed), salt, flour and er…a sprinkling of soot. Yes, it does not taste great.

However, Reda and I have made some anyway. We are are not going to charge for this but anyone ordering the Hop-Tu-Naa special menu will be offered a small piece on the house anyway. We will not be offended by refusal but we make the offer.The Hop-tu-naa menu goes live from noon Wednesday and lasts until closing time on Hop-Tu-Naa itself (Thursday 31st)

The full menu can be found here.


3000 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 6: The Chocolate Hop-tu-Naa Pizza

Just for Hop-tu-Naa we are tweaking our normal Manx chocolate pizza. Instead of milk chocolate we have a darker thicker chocolate with a seasonal fruit topping. Naturally it tastes awesome.

Leno will be serving both today and on Hop-tu-naa itself (Thursday)

It is one of two dessert course on offer ( the other being Reda’s chocolate mousse cake) on our special Hop-tu-naa menu running at Clerkenwell’s No 1 Celtic Italian restaurant all day Wednesday and Thursday.

The full menu can be found here.


3000 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 5: The Hop-tu-Naa Pizza

Example static alt text

That is win for ace superchef Leno a special pizza for Hop-tu-naa with a real Manx twist. Naturally that means you get a good helping of the national dish Queenies (scallops) plus generous amounts of Manx crab.

The base is fresh spinach and for a surf and turf feel there is a dash of Parma ham. All on a traditional cheese and tomato pizza base.

It is the main course on our special Hop-tu-naa menu running at Clerkenwell’s No 1 Celtic Italian restaurant all day Wednesday and Thursday.

The full menu can be found here


3000 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 4: The Manx crab & swede soup is perfect!

That is win for Reda and myself. We tweaked a traditional recipe and have deliver a gently curried creamy crab and swede soup.

It looks fabulous and even ace Number One new cook Leno admitted that it was a triumph. If you are the sort of vegetarian who eats fish it should work for you – it tastes fantastic. What more can I say. 

It is the first course on our special Hop-tu-naa menu running at Clerkenwell’s No 1 Celtic Italian restaurant all day Wednesday and Thursday.

 The full Hop-tu-naa menu is almost ready and you can view what is on offer here.



3001 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 3: The flag goes up

Taking a brief break from the kitchen where the Manx crab and turnip creamed soup is taking shape and before Reda and I turn our attention to Soddag Valloo (dumb cake) there are a few minutes to raise the Isle of Man flag inside Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell.

Hop-tu-naa may be the Celtic New Year but it is a uniquely isle of man celebration. And so the flag goes up.

As of tomorrow it will be joined by a few other items. If you are Manx and in London on Wednesday & Thursday and wish to celebrate with us remember that we offer a 20% discount to any customer paying their bill in Manx bank notes.

The full Hop-tu-naa menu is almost ready and you can view what is on offer here.



3001 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real Man Pizza – part 2: The lantern army is born

Jinnie the Witch and her assistants (ace cooks Reda and Leno) have carved the turnips (Swedes in England) and the lantern army starts to take shape. As of tomorrow it will start to take control of Real Man in the build up to Hop-tu-Naa on Thursday.

But our Hop-tu-Naa menu goes live as of Wednesday 30th for just two days as you can see here

Now to the kitchen to make the Manx crab and swede creamed soup with Reda.


3001 days ago

Preparing for Hop-tu-Naa at Real man Part 1 – Carving Turnips (Swedes)

Hop-tu-Naa (the Isle of Man alternative to Halloween – it is the Celtic New Year) is on Thursday but we will start celebrating at Real Man Pizza, the quirky Manx Italian outpost in Clerkenwell, tomorrow (Wednesday). And so preparations are underway all of tonight.

First up are the turnips (what we might call Swedes in England) which the staff are now carving. As you can see Jinnie the Witch has turned up to assist Leno and Reda our ace cooks.

And so we now have our lanterns. More importantly we also have pounds of swede which Reda and I will start turning into a creamy Manx crab and swede soup which forms part of our Hop-tu-naa special menu available on both Wednesday and Thursday.

The full Menu can be found here.

More to follow...


3010 days ago

It’s Hop-tu-Naa in Clerkenwell but Halloween here in Bristol: the two pumpkin recipe weekend

Up in London I will be celebrating Hop-tu-Naa on October 30th and 31st at Real Man Pizza. I am working on the exact pizza to celebrate the Celtic New Year – that is a job for next week. More details of the menu here

But back in Bristol it is a weekend to brush off my two pumpkin recipes. I cannot remember when this became part of my annual ritual but it now is. All went well. Normally this is a kid’s thing but the Mrs. Has never cooked pumpkin before and so, having done it ever year for longer than I can remember, she got to be the kid this time. Take two medium sized pumpkins…

Take the “hat off” and remove all the pips and the stringy orange stuff and throw it away. This being Bristol I made sure they were thrown away in the correct bin (brown – organic matter) to avoid a Halloween fine from the eco-fascist City Council. Then scrape out as much of the “flesh” as you can with a spoon. Make sure that you do not pierce the outer skin but try to get enough flesh out so that you can see your fingers move through the wall. And you get a pumpkin ready to be a lantern…hey presto.

So we now have two lanterns ready for use next weekend.

You will now have a mound of flesh. Separate into two halves.

Half One – a Creamy pumpkin soup.

Chop two onions finely and stock in a pan with a large knob of butter and cook until soft but not brown (say 5 minutes). Add in the pumpkin flesh


3012 days ago

54 ( no make that 72) Seats Booked for Today’s Lunch so far but we still have (some) space: busy time ahead

I guess there will not be much writing from me after noon today as we no have 72 seats booked for lunch. 

Just to flag to our regular customers that we have 54 ( no now make that 72) seats booked as of now for lunchtime today. But one large party is seated downstairs and eating early so there are still tables going. Clearly word of the fantastic new head chef Leno is spreading.

If you want to reserve your seat at Clerkenwell’s quirkiest Celtic Italian restaurant you can call us at any time on 0207 242 3246 – making an advanced booking for Fridays and Thursdays is a prudent thing to do.

As of now we can probably fit in a couple of tables before 1.15 and from 1.30 we will have nother 20 seats free. 


3012 days ago

How to do business the Marxist way in Hackney – another commie bites the dust

Darren Atwater arrives at Real Man Pizza with great news, the Po-0Go collectively run Marxist vegan café round the corner from him in Hackney has ceased trading.  Its business model was simple: charge high prices for its rabbit food and pay staff nothing. Hope that deluded lefties will keep you going.

The last time Darren was in there (naturally as a subversive capitalist information gatherer) it had a sign up saying “37 shifts available this week.” It seems that the Comrades were not exactly lining up to work for free.

And now this place has ceased trading. What went wrong? No doubt the blame is now being firmly placed with the usual suspects: Thatcher, the wicked bankers, Mossad, evil Tory cuts and Thatcher again.

As the Iron Lady once said: “celebrate.”


3018 days ago

Saturday so far: Filming @PinsentMasons and the pizza triumph

First up I met up with Darren to film a comic video at the offices of uber expensive bully boy City lawyers Pinsent Masons. It will go live next week when an agreed statement between myself, Dan and Sefton is published. V is no longer for Vendetta, V is for Victory! I think the video is funny. I am not sure that our pals at Pinsents will be so amused.

Then to Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell to drop something off before heading off to the Grim North for a weekend with the in-laws. Damn. Super cook Leo was not there and was running very late. And so Maribel and I opened up and pondered whether we would rather have a customer before Leo arrived or not. Shucks a cute young American arrived. We played for time but eventually she summoned me over to order food.

I prayed to God that she wanted pasta which I am pretty damn good at serving up. But maybe he was punishing me for becoming an Islamic spiritual mentor because the bird ordered a pizza. Damn. The chaps have tried to teach me how to make pizza but it is really hard. But I rolled my sleaves up and gave it a go.

I rolled the dough, pushed it out with my fingers and after a while produced a pretty excellent base. I added the toppings and Maribel and I struggled to get it onto the pizza spade and into the oven. “Yes, yeeees, yeeeeeeeeees” gushed Maribel (in a somewhat disturbing manner) as I managed to get the pizza into the oven. Three minutes later it was on the table.

After a while the girl asked for her cheque and said “that was amazing pizza I am so glad that I found you.” I ‘fessed up that it was my first ever commercial pizza. On that high I now announce my retirement as a pizza chef.

And now off to the Grim North… 


3020 days ago

My acid trip continues as I become an Islamic spiritual mentor

Life is one long bizarre acid trip. I return to London and our quirky Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell enjoys its best Wednesday in history. I am sitting here listening to Despina Vandi having just sent colourful James off to bed and am now reflecting on my new role as an Islamic spiritual mentor.


3021 days ago

An Ambassador for the Cultural Quarter of Stoke on Trent arrives at Real Man Pizza

It is a quiet afternoon at Real Man with a nice couple sitting here having a glass of wine or four… They tell me they have travelled 300 miles to come to Real Man Pizza in Clerkenwell. And who can blame them with our great new cook Leo earning rave reviews. So where are you from? I asked. Stoke on Trent they say.

I say that I have correspondents (Messrs Green & Rowley) who try to educate me to the delights of the Cultural Quarter of lovely Stoke. I say “yes you have some sort of pies don’t you.” They explain about Wrights pies but say that the famous oat cakes are even better and that Stoke’s third culinary delight is a Picklet (pronounced Pike-let) which is a bit like a muffin. Whatever…

I have now learned two new “facts”.

1. Stoke is not as I thought in the Grim North. Everything north of the cultural quarter is the North, everything south of it is the south. The cultural quarter is the centre of the universe.

2. If you stick a compass in the cultural quarter and draw a 70 mile radius circle around it you go as far south as Stratford and 70 miles further into the Grim North. Apparently it is a fact that this circle contains the birthplaces or more men and women who changed the world than any other such circle anywhere on the planet.

I sense that correspondents Green & Rowley have been underselling the cultural quarter and I feel like a moth to the flame, increasingly drawn to make a pilgrimage.


3032 days ago

An email just received - can it really be from Jim Ellerton?

This email arrived this afternoon. Can it really be from disgraced ex Sefton boss, the liar and crook JOim Ellerton? The way Sefton emails appear everywhere you just don't know.

From: [email protected]

Date: 28 September 2013 09:47:57 BST
To: [email protected]
Subject: Email from website
Reply-To: [email protected]

Form details below.

Name: Jim Ellerton
Number of people: four directors
Email: [email protected]
Comments: Can we have your old chip fat/oil to mix in with our Tapia oil?



Heck, I am always keen to help Sefton boost its production numbers but we don't serve chips at Clerkenwell's finest quirkiest Celtic Italian restaurant, The Real Man Pizza Company


3055 days ago

Thanks to the bloke in the Cab - do not worry I will not let go of Pinsent Masons


I was just sitting outside Real Man Pizza Company having a fag and looking a bit of a mess thanks to a quite surreal night with Colourful James in Clerkenwell, of which more later, but it involved, at a tangent, Johnny Depp. And a bloke shouts out from a passing cab - "well done on Pinsent Masons - keep on going." Thanks for the encouragement, I shall do so. The uber expensive bully boy lawyers whose fees will sink Sefton can expect my next broadside within 24 hours.


3056 days ago

A knock on the door at 2.30 AM

On a writing catch up I was sitting at a table in Real Man in Clerkenwell and it was 2.30 AM. Suddenly the shutters rattle again and again. The last time this happened it was a religious loon and I ended up walking her via various churches to Islington nick as she had reported herself to the old Bill as being a loon. I rather feared the worst as there are some strange folk in the corner of Clerkenwell. I was right to fear the worst.

For it was Colourful James. As you might expect he had already had a few.  It is now 4 AM and Colourful and I have set the world to rights. A glass or two for me still leaves me sober enough to drive and write. Colourful (after a glass or three on the house) will not be at his sharpest at 7 am. Perhaps I should have gone to the sociology conference at Warwick University after all?


3061 days ago

Two free tickets to West Ham vs Stoke - ko 3 PM Upton Park on offer

A last minute cancellation means that as things stand I shall be standing next to two empty seats in the Trevor Brooking lower tomorrow. I know it is only Stoke but that would be a waste so if anyone fancies joining me - we can meet either at the Ground if you are coming from the East or at Real Man in Clerkenwell if you are coming from the West  - get in touch. First come first served - email me on [email protected]


3061 days ago

A joint statement from Dan Levi & Tom Winnifrith: Sefton: We are Vindicated - Jim Ellerton Fired in Disgrace

Sefton Resources (SER) has this morning fired its chairman Jim Ellerton from the board. He has been shown to be a liar, a criminal, a man not fit to run a PLC and there will be worse to come for him as the Serious Fraud Office, the US Internal Revenue Service and the Colorado Department of Justice Enquiries get underway. All three have been or will be provided with full dossiers. Ellerton will try to grub whatever cash he can from Sefton but he is toast. Toxic toast.

Sefton sued Daniel Levi (aka Brokerman Dan) and Tom Winnifrith for libel and also reported them to the FSA for market abuse and then accused them of market abuse and libel via an RNS. Sefton also briefed The Daily Telegraph that we were shorting the company for a monetary gain. All was part of their malicious Black propaganda campaign. Sefton is today negotiating with Dan and Tom.

It will be paying their costs in defending this case but also damages for defaming them. The only issue is how much will it be paying.

Those Bulletin Board Morons


3272 days ago

London Taxi Driver taking the piss – what do you do?

I was in a rush and so thought I’d splash out and get a cab from The Real Man Pizza Company to the Flux new media conference at Truman’s Brewery today. According to AA Route Planner it is 2.2 miles and should take 8 minutes. It is damn simple just head down Clerkenwell Road to Old street, take Great Eastern Street, Commercial street and then Wentworth Street and you are there. I have lived around here on and off for almost 25 years.

But my taxi driver knew best. My journey lasted 25 minutes. He found every traffic jam going. It cost £15.60. It was the craziest route you could imagine. What can you do at the end? Sod all. Just pay up, walk away and mutter under your breath a lot of rude words. Most cabbies are honest – this guy was just a piece of work. But there is nothing you can do about it.

Coming back I walked. It did not take much longer and was pretty direct.


3272 days ago

Compiling the new Politically Incorrect Play List at Real Man Pizza

Not all musicians are deluded lefties. It is just that folks like Bono tend to tar the whole vocation with a brush of madness. Unable to sleep I find myself working on a new play list selection for the quirkiest Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell, Real Man Pizza Company. Already we have the punk list for Monday evenings, plus three different eighties play lists of around 250 tracks which run the rest of the time. But now it is time for something a bit different. And I seek your help here.

The criteria for qualification is easy: I must like the song, the singer or singers must not be associated with any daft causes (ask yourself does Bono support a cause, if so it is by definition daft) and the song must have some sort of message. Top of the list naturally is Ron Paul groupie Aimee Allen with the three tracks below and I’m in Love with Ann Coulter, also below. Any other suggestions in the comments box. Hopefully the list will be playing by St Valentine’s day.
Aimee Allen ( or indeed Ann Coulter) can be my Valentine any day.


3273 days ago

Is New Media a waste of space for marketing?

My weekly Small business (SME) tips column from starts, as ever, close to home. There are some who dismiss Facebook and twitter as a complete waste of space when it comes to marketing. There are others who swear by new media. I wonder. For what it is worth I offer a few observations based on my own experience of trying to persuade more folks to try to come to the quirkiest Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell, London – the Real Man Pizza Company.


3346 days ago

Putting Up Prices – why not?

There are only three ways to increase profits: cut costs, sell more by volume or to put up prices. I shall address the first two at a later date but the quickest route to increasing the profitability of your business is to stick prices up. Yet often we are reluctant to do so. You sort of accept that wages will go up year on year if only to match inflation so why should prices not follow?


3356 days ago

Playing The Man Not The Product

received an email today from a successful young entrepreneur keen to get press coverage. “Why?” I asked. “What do you wish to achieve as an end result?” It took some time to get a reply but in the end it emerged that the coverage he sought was not about his successful, if fledgling enterprise but about him as a person. I am in no doubt that he has achieved a lot. From what I can see he is a very clever and enterprising individual. But what is the point in broadcasting that news?


3372 days ago

The Inequity of Notice Periods

Paolo, one of the cooks at the fabulous restaurant I own in Clerkenwell (the Real Man Pizza Company) has handed in his notice. He waited until his pay cheque had cleared and then gave 5 days notice. He is on a month’s notice. But what can you do?

Were I to have wanted to fire Paolo (and after he murdered a Queenie salad I ordered last week I was tempted) I could not have got rid of him in five days. No way.


3373 days ago

Christmas Menu at the Real Man Pizza Company – now live

Forgive the product plug but this blog is actually owned by The Real Man Pizza Company and so I am only obeying orders! We thought long and hard about this but the menu is now live. I am not so sure about the Christmas Pizza ( turkey with all the trimmings) but Aldo says that it is winner. Mots of the rest of the two set menus are more traditional seasonal offerings.

The two set menu offerings can be found here [PDF]

There is a great value offering and an even greater value offering. And if you book your Christmas meal for a date in November or December you get 10% off.

If you have a party of 20 or more and want to dine away from our other guests we will open up the downstairs room ( which also holds half of my library so if your colleagues bore you, you can always read a book). That room is also available for party hire should you wish and can cater for up to 60 if you want music and a chance to grope your work-mates under the mistletoe.

If you wish to make a booking or have any questions contact the star manager Aldo on 020 7242 3246 or you can always book online.


3378 days ago

Just to make my BB critics happy – I become a waiter for a night

One common refrain from one or two of my Bulletin Board non admirers (shorthand: morons) is that I should stop writing on shares and go and serve pizzas full time at The Real Man Pizza Company.

Well just to make them happy, I was a waiter last night.


3385 days ago

Scrumptious pouting hackette Harriet Denys of the Telegraph – Dinner Invitation (Please say yes)

It seems that scrumptious pouting hackette Anna White of the Telegraph City Diary is absent on maternity leave until August 2013. How she will be missed. But her successor, Ms Harriet Denys seems to follow in Anna’s ways and also cannot stop herself from writing about me. She seems to have picked up on yesterday’s More Jam Vicar piece and today posts:


3393 days ago

West Ham Triumph, Goddess on Form but with a horrible knowledge gap

It is well known that my attendance at West Ham games brings almost certain defeat and thus I trust that Hammers across the world will thank me for not heading along to Loftus Road tonight. A 2-1 win sees the Irons on 11 points after just 6 games. Last time we were in the top flight it was sometime like December before we reached that number of points.

Put it another way, with 16% of the games played we are 26% of the way to 42 points (the highest ever points total to be relegated – er, West Ham) and 27.5% of the way to 40 points (almost certain safety). QPR, Norwich and Reading look pretty good bets for the drop. Surely Wigan who bring nothing to the top flight will slump at some stage. If you are a West Ham fan


3396 days ago

The Weekly Video - Edition 8

Hooray. Not headless and filmed in good light. I am getting the hang of this video malarkey. Filmed at Real man Pizza Company with the waiters looking on wondering what I am babbling on about, this is fun.


3502 days ago

My Last Day in Isle of Man – 10 Things to Like About it

I shall be on the overnight ferry from Heysham to the Isle of Man one last time tonight as I pick up my stuff from Douglas. By Saturday morning I shall be sailing out of Isle of Man waters for the last time as a resident. I expect to return as a tourist and to deal with a few business matters which remain IOM based but I am on my way back to bankrupt Britain for good in terms of residency. That is until I retire to bankrupt France or bankrupt Greece in 20 years time.

The IOM gets a lot of stick for various reasons and it is not without its faults. But I leave with a lot of happy memories and will miss various things. A list of my top 10 good things from the Isle of Man.