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The beeb

2861 days ago

Chris Patten’s BBC Christmas Carol Part Three

48 hours ago, the chairman of the BBC met the ghost of Christmas Past. If you missed that you can read it HERE

In the second part of the Chris Patten’s Christmas Carol last night, the chairman of the BBC met the ghost of Christmas Present. If you missed that you can read it HERE

The story continues…

After his twice interrupted night the good Lord Christopher Patten, chairman of the BBC, was awakened by a gentle kiss on one of his many chins. Then came another and another. “Lavender” he mumbled but awoke to find that the good Lady Patten was still snoring gently beside him.

Instead Chow Mein’s now near senile successor, named - for some reason - by his staff in Hong Kong as Dim Sum, had managed to clamber onto the four poster bed to wish his master a Merry Christmas. Lord Patten took the hint and, after putting on his ermine dressing gown wandered downstairs, eagerly awaiting the delights of Christmas Day, starting with breakfast.  Quoting to himself the old Chinese motto “a man who has a solid breakfast is built to grow”, Patten rubbed his tummies and thought hard about the first meal of the day.

Breakfast would, as always, be prepared by his faithful eighty year old manservant Cawkwell. For the good Lord was a man of habit. For him merely a “healthy man sized” portion or two of freshly prepared kedgeree made with line-caught haddock and Tuscan organic eggs from the Toynbee estate, followed by locally produced bread lightly toasted ( as only Cawkwell knew how) covered with Honey flown in from Argentina with a healthy bowl of porridge to finish off.

But Cawkwell, or for that matter his breakfast, was nowhere to be seen and so feeling rather peckish the chairman of the BBC wandered into his study where he had a hidden stash of mince pies. These had been craftily concealed from both Dim Sum and Lady Lavender under a stash of printed emails marked “Saville –URGENT action needed now 2009” which he was planning to start reading after Christmas.

Lord Patten looked at the 14 foot tree, decorated last night by Cawkwell while the family watched carols from Kings but something was not right. Rummaging at the foot of the pine

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2862 days ago

Chris Patten’s BBC Christmas Carol Part Two

In the second part of the Chris Patten’s Christmas Carol, the chairman of the BBC meets the ghost of Christmas Present. 

Last night he met the ghost of Christmas Past. If you missed that you can read it HERE

The story continues…

It was not the sound of Lady Lavender Patten’s refined and gentle snoring nor another panic attack about what happened to Chow Mein that awoke the good Lord Christopher Patten. But a loud noise from his study downstairs had the BBC chairman sprinting down the stairs, faster than BBC Middle East Correspondent Jeremy Bowen can say “the peace loving freedom martyrs of Hamas fired rockets on an Israeli school to protect themselves from the Genocidal imperialist warmongers.”

Sitting behind Patten’s leather bound desk with gold inlay, marked “A present from 400 million the grateful people of Europe for your Herculean labours as a European Commissioner” was another grey figure. Once again he was not smiling.

“Oh no not another of you consultant Johnnies” said Patten. The grey figure beckoned and gripped Patten’s hand. Through the air they flew.

After just a few minutes, Patten found himself gazing down on a Christmas day party. 

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2863 days ago

Chris Patten’s BBC Christmas Carol Part One

It was the night before Christmas and BBC Chairman Lord Christopher Patten lay in his grand four poster bed in his Country Estate, sleeping, but only fitfully.

Turning over to the left, he looked longingly at the bedside photo of his pet dog Chow Mein which disappeared mysteriously when he was in charge of Hong Kong.

Running Honkers, a European Commissioner and now in charge of the BBC, what a glorious career he had enjoyed, Patten thought to himself. Gosh I have done well.

But as he smiled with contentment Patten was startled so see a grey figure appear next to him at the bedside. The grey figure did not look particularly happy.

“I say” said Patten, “what are you doing here my good fellow? Are you one of those consultant Johnnies we employ at the Beeb. Look I know that you are on £1,000 an hour but is it not time to call it a day?”

The grey figure said nothing but beckoned to Patten to rise. Used to doing exactly what the consultant Johnnies told him to do Patten obeyed and did not object as he grey figure gripped him firmly by the hand.

Suddenly the two men were flying through the air.

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