Personal and undiluted views
elf n safey

1641 days ago

Photo Article: Frigana Poisoning at the Greek Hovel - Part 2

You may remember that George the Architect is a little nervous about chopping down non olive trees which the forestry survey may have identified at the Greek Hovel. On the other hand Nicho the Communist regards these snake shelters as an obstruction to the basic human right of every Greek to plant as many olive trees as possible on his land. I am with Nicho.

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1815 days ago

Buy a poppy - but what about elf n'safey?

I am a reluctant poppy purchaser for reasons that i have discussed here but wandering into the Co-Op in my father's village of Shipston a little old lady stood outside offering me the chance to buy. As you would expect, here in the Warwickshire countryside, she was silent and dignified and with her tray looking rather too full I popped a quid in the tin and picked up a poppy.

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3075 days ago

Bang her up – the 86 year old cheese maker & the Old Bill

For once it is not Kent Police who stand accused of being Fascist morons in Airstrip One. It is the Gloucestershire Old Bill, the force which failed to capture serial killer Fred West for so many years. But fear not citizens of Gloucester when it comes to real villains your boys in blue are on the ball.

Diana Smart is an 86 year old maker of cheeses. She makes the 3lb Double Gloucester cheeses that are rolled down Cooper’s Hill Gloucester in an annual ritual dating back to the 19th century.

But the Old Bill do not approve. ‘elf n safey and all that. You see there has not be an official organiser since 2009 so what happens if someone attending the event of their own volition gets hit by a runaway cheese? Who to prosecute? Of course. The cheese maker. And so this poor old granny has been duly warned.

Jeepers. How about just putting up a sign saying “You attend the cheese roll at your own risk and if you are knocked over by a cheese, trip over a daisy, etc it is your own look out. There will be no Policeman on duty as they will all be attending a diversity awareness course, oops I meant to say out catching villains.”

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3197 days ago

The Snow Profits warnings

I am not a climate change sceptic. That is to say it is not that I doubt the theory of man made climate change. I am absolutely sure about it. The whole thing is complete and utter bollocks. And so, while it may cause some surprise round at the Met Office and the BBC, I am not that shocked that it is snowing and bloody cold in January. Weather happens. However, the political elite have been pretty much unanimous in their view that global warming is happening and have thus happily cut back on spending on things like gritters or flood prevention so that that they can piss away billions of quid of other folks’ money on subsidies for wind farms and solar panels.

The impact of these policy changes compounds the general trend of us all becoming more pathetic in the way we deal with the natural world: it is hard to imagine those who taught me thirty years ago bleating about a couple of inches of snow, citing “elf n’safey” and shutting the school down. In short I do expect the snow to have a material effect on the UK economy and you will see this with four categories of trading statement.

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3304 days ago

‘Elf n’ Safey on First Great Western

I could not hold out. The dulcet tones of Steve “the customer host” lured me to wander along to the “customer service (food and beverage) interaction zone”, formerly known as the buffet bar. Okay, I made that last renaming up but I am sure that if I drop it into a suggestion box, First Great Western will take it seriously.
One latte please.

That will be £2.30 sir. Mein host was a smooth and pleasant. Wish I could say the same about the faux-latte.

“No need to put it in a bag” I said because I am, as you know, a bit of an eco-warrior.

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