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No Effigy on the Fire tonight – who would you put there?

Tom Winnifrith
Monday 5 November 2012

I strode in, and as I suspected, amongst the middle class lefties present at this bonfire night I was the only poppy wearer I could see. One nil to me. It was a good bonfire and some of fireworks zipped away as they would in a Harry Potter film. There was a chair on top of the bonfire but no effigy. I assume the deluded lefties did not wish to offend catholics or any other minority present. I was mildly surprised that Call Me Dave was not burned tonight. Perhaps Jimmy Savile could have been sent up in flames. In paedo obsessed Britain surely that would have met with popular acclaim?

I suggested to the various deluded lefties present that next year they might burn an effigy of Polly Toynbee or the Wicked Witch herself. Naturally I was accused of sexism. Why not go for Blair himself rather that the Wicked Witch? I countered weekly that she agreed with all that he did but was also an appalling freeloader and personally pushed through a lot of the human rights legislation which maddens all right thinking folks. That last point did not play well.

To be honest I struggled to think of anyone better. Indeed, as a few nails created a devilish blue flame, I suggested that packing the Toynbee effigy with iron so that it went up in a true blue flame would be magnificent. That really went down badly. At that point I retreated for a cigarette. I felt sure that lighting up in an open field would cause dirty looks and accusations that I was contributing to passive smoking/global warming in a way that the PC effigy free bonfire never would.

So without being too sexist, imperialist, racist, homophobic or just a plain evil capitalist whose effigy would you burn? Take your pick of suitable white, straight, English, male, wicked capitalists and post any helpful suggestions below. Or think as a free human being and try to better my Toynbee in a blue flame idea.

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About Tom Winnifrith
Tom Winnifrith is the editor of When he is not harvesting olives in Greece, he is (planning to) raise goats in Wales.
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