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Should I vote Labour to tackle the Seagull Menace – the hot issue in Bristol East

Tom Winnifrith
Friday 27 March 2015

I am rather cross with my capitalist cat Tara. Whereas my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley treated the UKIP pamphlets thrust through our door with suitable respect by defecating on Nigel Farage’s face, Tara failed to respond in a suitable manner when the Labour party pushed three flyers through the letterbox. Bad Tara. 

Thus the Mrs, a lifelong deluded lefty, thrust them into my hand smirking at the failure of Tara to follow orders and I dutifully had a butchers. There was one from a dreadful harridan who leads Labour on the City Council and thinks our pompous arse of a red-trousered mayor George Ferguson is awful. He is. But her rantings made me feel almost sorry for the poor man. The level of petty squabbling just made me want to see the whole lot of them at City hall strung up with eco-friendly piano wire.

Then there was a glossy pamphlet from our Labour MP Kerry McCarthy. Oddly I could find no picture of her party leader Mr Miliband on the flyer and cannot imagine why that is. She had a long go at the Tories for failing to tackle the deficit. You what? Suddenly the party that always runs out of other people’s money when in power is the party of Austrian economics?  Pull the other one Kerry luv.  Kerry also boasts that she has mentioned Bristol 200 times in Parliament in the past five years. Wow… my taxes are well spent on you aren’t they?

Finally there was a pamphlet from my local council candidate who was wearing a trainspotter’s uniform and looked about 150. By this point I was losing the will to live but comrade Mike Langley grabbed my attention by flagging up the real issue in this election: the seagull menace here in Brislington.  And that made me check out Kerry’s flyer again and she too realises the gravity of the situation and is doing her bit to tackle this real threat. 

Kerry does not bother mentioning minor issues such as Europe, immigration, crime, welfare abuse or how she and Ed Balls will clear the deficit but she seems pretty hot on identifying the real big issue: those blasted seagulls. 

Hmmm, that is it. I was fairly sure that I was going to vote Tory even though my local Tory candidate Theo Clarke seems like a raging lefty but at least I could annoy the Mrs by backing Theo. But now that I realise the seriousness of the seagull threat and that only Labour has the radical solutions to tackle this issue and to put it top of the agenda, I am not so sure.

I accept that we must deal with the Seagulls. I am torn and so I am once again a floating voter. Maybe I should write to Mr Cameron and see if he realises the gravity of the situation and if whether he has any firm pledges on seagulls as well? What is the UKIP policy on the seagull peril? Send them all back home to Europe. Deport the lot of them. Over here stealing food and jobs from hard working native British sparrows. Political correctness gone mad.

Do the Greens want to give Seagulls human rights like the dolphins or do they accept the threat we face here in Bristol East? I assume the Lib Dems are too busy explaining why they knew nothing about Cyril Smith to have come up with a Seagull policy. The SNP will no doubt propose a special tax on London bankers to deal with the Seagull menace but in Scotland only and that will be a key negotiating point with any potential coalition partner.

Why is it that my local MP Kerry realises the gravity of the Seagull peril and is working tirelessly on this issue but it was not raised in the Leader’s debates last night?  Surely that is yet another reason not to pay my license fee to the BBC?

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About Tom Winnifrith
Tom Winnifrith is the editor of When he is not harvesting olives in Greece, he is (planning to) raise goats in Wales.
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