I was once again back in my Clerkenwell rabbit hole. The dormouse was again pouring some tea of a herbal nature and produced a tray of cakes each one saying “Eat Me NOW or Pinsent Masons will frigging sue you.” “Surely we have been here before?” I asked the dormouse who just smiled and pushed the tray gently towards me.
A small mole appeared in the corner of the room, winked at me, grabbed a cake and gulped it down. Shroooooooooooom. Suddenly the mole was ten foot tall and was holding a smoking gun. He laughed, devoured another cake and was then carried away on a magical boat back to the Pinsents bunker on a journey past tangerine trees and under marmalade skies.
Curiouser and curiouser I thought. What might the mole have in store for us next?
Before I could reflect too much on that a large face started to appear on the wall next to my signed Geoff Hurst shirt from when West Ham won the world cup. “Cripes: I was wondering when the Cheshire cat would appear” I said to the dormouse but something was wrong, the cat had no smile.
“A Cheshire cat with no grin what the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted up at the cat “have one of these cakes it is bound to cheer you up.” The Cat looked down at me sadly and replied “Don’t be so frigging stupid, I am not the Cheshire cat I am Russell Booker, of Pinsent Masons, legal adviser to Sefton Resources.”
I wanted to ask Russell a question but once he had started there was no stopping him. After all he was charging Sefton £750 an hour for his time. He continued:
“I gather that the email from August 22nd where I warned the Sefton directors that their only witness was discredited and that they could not win the libel case against you might be about to surface. And then you will call me as a witness in Court and Pinsents will breach all the SRA guidelines by acting against you. It is all such a mess.”
At that point the Cat grabbled a cake, gulped it down. Shroooooooooooooom – suddenly Russell was chanting the Pinsents corporate song with a grin as wide as the gaps in Sefton’s balance sheet…
One bill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small,
And the lies that Sefton tells you
Don't do anything at all.
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall.
And if you go chasing bloggers
And you know you're going to fall,
Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call.
When she was just small.
But before Russell could complete the Pinsents version of the Jefferson Airplane classic there was a loud thud in my letter box. It was another long winded letter from Helen Skinner at Pinsents or whoever is running the case today.
Dear Mr Winnifrith.
We are now going to try to bully you again. Your case is now hopeless. We are going to win. Give up now. Do not pass go. We will collect £400 (no make that £750) from Sefton for writing this letter.
c/o a parallel universe
PS Remember to eat the fucking cakes or we will sue you again
Cripes thought I. Shouting “see you in court bitchez” I gulped down two of the cakes that the dormouse offered.
Booker continued to sing:
When the men on the b-board
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low.
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen softly dead,
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
The Dormouse piped up “Hey Russell dude, how are you looking forward to being called as a Witness by Dan and Tom in The High Court, Queen of Heart’s Bench Division? He flicked a card from the top of the deck towards the cat and it spun slowly through the air. On both sides were the executioners, sharpening their axes and chanting:
“Here Comes Dan Levi to check what you’ve said & here comes a chopper to chop off your head”
Enough screamed the Cat. The grin had disappeared but the Cat remained on the wall for another five hours before announcing “five times £750 – send a bill to Sefton Resources for £3750 + VAT”. At which point he too disappeared
Another thud in the letter box.
“Dear Mr Winnifrith.
Our CEO quit in June, our chairman was sacked in disgrace in August, we now have no witnesses, you have witnesses to verify everything you wrote, the Booker email shows we know the cause is lost. On that basis, shrooooooooooooom, gosh these cakes are good, we are going to bully you again, give up, your case is hopeless. Do not pass Go! We will collect £750 ( no make that £1750 as we had to check with counsel) for writing this letter.
PS Do not eat this letter or we will frigging sue you
The Dormouse winked. We ate the letter together. Shrooooooooooooooom
To be continued
To read part 1 of my acid trip with Pinsent Masons click here
To read Part 2 of my acid trip with Pinsent Masons click here.