As you know I have guided West Ham to the brink of Champions League football by studiously paying no attention to every game played and avoiding going anywhere near a match or even watching on TV. When I have weakened and thought about attending a game, suddenly The Irons stop playing like Brazil and start playing like a Hackney Marshes side. I must warn you that with the Hammers travelling to my home City of Bristol this Sunday for an FA Cup game, my resolve weakened.
My daughter is in town and I tried to buy a pair of tickets off an online site. Luckily www.ticketbis.net offers the most useless service on this planet and treats potential customers like shite. I was promised calls back, I harried, a bloke called me asking for my business and said right now go buy tickets online only to find there were none. This company is run by a bunch of total wankers from Liverpool. The sooner the welfare safari that is scouseland is towed off into the Irish Sea and sunk the better. I heartily advise that you never use this company ever, not even to buy a stolen hub cap.
So no tickets. That prevents an almost certain cup upset. However I should warn you that the Mrs, the daughter and I are seeking out a nice quiet pub where we can watch the game on TV. Failing that, I see that it is showing at the Brislington Conservative Club. As I need to pop along to pay my annual sub – something which gives me enormous pleasure for the displeasure it causes the Mrs and my family of deluded lefties – I could always kill two birds with one stone.
Whatever happens I must warn all Hammers that I cannot resist and my daughter is adamant we must watch the game. Brace yourselves for disaster.
I should say at this point that not watching West Ham out of a sense of loyalty to the club is putting a strain on my marriage. That is because, when the Mrs said her vows about eighteen months ago she swore before God and the Congregation to attend at least two games a season at Upton Park (or the Olympic Stadium) until death do us part. She takes this God business more seriously than I and thus my sacrifice in not attending is made all the more intense by the marital situation.