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When in Rome...Masturbate in Public, The Decline and fall of the Western Empire

Tom Winnifrith
Thursday 8 September 2016

There are days when you start to think that in ranting about a decadent and degenerate West the chaps at ISIS have not got it completely wrong. And thus we today discover that masturbating in public, in fact in front of young women, is no longer an illegal act in Italy thanks to a Supreme Court Ruling.

69 year old Pietro was caught with his todger out in front of a group of female students outside the University of Catania in Sicily. In his defence he claimed that he only engaged in the practice “occasionally” and that anyhow it was dusk and the students might have not be able to see him in full flow.

Initially the old man was sentenced to three months in the slammer and a fine of €3,420. But the Supreme Court overthrew the conviction, citing some crazy law introduced in 2015 which makes what Pietro did perfectly legal. Case precedent has thus been set..

John Stuart Mill divided actions into self-regarding and other regarding. Having a wank in the privacy of your own home is self-regarding. It does not directly affect anyone else and thus it should not be illegal. But doing the same thing in public is clearly other regarding. I would not find watching Pietro very pleasant, I'd be horrified if my daughter saw him in action and even Keith Vaz would have a problem on the grounds that he prefers younger meat.

As such it is ludicrous that Pietro is guilty of no crime since he has committed an other regarding action which is grossly offensive and indecent. One assumes that some daft liberal thought that the law had to change in order to protect the human rights of the public masturbating community, a minority deprived of their essential liberties. Whatever.

A caring God now has yet another reason to bring down a meteoroid strike on us all.

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About Tom Winnifrith
Tom Winnifrith is the editor of When he is not harvesting olives in Greece, he is (planning to) raise goats in Wales.
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