We can safely say that I will never win an Oscar but just in case I do I have penned my winning speech already. It is not long but I think captures all the points one needs to make.
I thank you all most sincerely in selecting me from this all white short list. I am not worthy and have only won becuase you are all racists. None the less I am glad that you have jetted in in your private planes from around the world. While we sit here let's not forget the really important issues outside like combating global warming.
Why I wonder were there no woman nominated as best actor? You are not only racists you are all sexists too. And though only 5% of the population is gay, in this room where at least 10% of the audience is out - cue brief short joke about Tom Cruise - we cannot regard this as a truly progressive industry until LGBT actors and actresses are fairly represented.
I dedicate this award to the migrants at Calais, Donald Trump would not do that because he is a fascist.
Cue: enormous gales of laughter and massie applause from an audience who think Calais is a small town in Dixie.
God bless America, unless you: live in the flyover states/like stock car racing/listen to Country music/believe in God/dont burst out laughing whenever anyone says Donald Trump is a fascist/vote Republican
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