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The only candidates slagging off the Tories are the Tory candidates, my lefty wife is thinking the unthinkable

Tom Winnifrith
Tuesday 19 April 2016

The Mrs has got it into her head that we need a new bathroom. And as such she has become an almost obsessional reader of tap and sink porn mags. I wander up to bed at night and there she is lying there with a mag full of different shaped taps. This sordid publication is hidden under the duvet being read by bedside light. She knows that I disapprove. Now it seems that mags are now not enough and so I was told that on Saturday I had to go to not one but two bathroom showrooms with her. It was live tap porn. I had a cunning riposte.

The two men standing for the Tories for council were holding a meet and greet at the local coffee bar on Saturday morning. And so I said "you come meet the local Tories and I'll do the tap porn thing" knowing that as a lifelong deluded lefty the Mrs would never agree to this. To my surprise, her addiction to that tap porn meant that she agreed at once and so at 10.30 on Saturday I introduced the Mrs to the younger Tory candidate with the worlds "This is the Mrs, she thinks all Tories are evil and hates you." I was still hoping that I might get the Mrs to storm out thus getting me out of the bathroom showroom ordeal.

The younger Tory replied "We hate the Tories too". This surprised both myself and the Mrs. It seems that the main Tories in Bristol had messed with the local leaflets making great claims about our candidates which the candidates, showing some honesty, said were not true. As the younger Tory laid into the evil Tories the Mrs looked a little confused. Then the older, bearded Tory, piped up admitting that for all bar a few months he had been a Labour supporter since 1992. He had only rejoined the Tories a few weeks ago and did so with no conviction at all.

This all came as a bit of a shock to the Mrs. For the Labour leaflets here in Bristol blather on about keeping public lavatories open and dealing with green shit and that sort of thing. They do not say "we hate the evil Tories" but that is the message the Mrs wants to hear. And now she is hearing it loud and clear from the local Tory candidates. Both local Tories are good local men active in our community. The two Labour candidates are middle class trades union officials who live in posher parts of Bristol, visiting we poor people only when forced.

Maybe the tap porn has made her a little crazy but the Mrs is genuinely thinking of breaking the habit of a lifetime...

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About Tom Winnifrith
Tom Winnifrith is the editor of When he is not harvesting olives in Greece, he is (planning to) raise goats in Wales.
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