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Considering my own mortality as the man fondled my testicles

Tom Winnifrith
Thursday 20 July 2017

This is not the sort of matter that my father would consider that a gentleman should discus in public. But, as my critics often point out, I am no gentleman and, in 2017, we should perhaps talk openly about men's health. I have for some weeks had intermittent pains in my private parts and my left testicle now appears to be larger than my right one.

Natch, being a child of my time my first point of call is google where I learn that there are all sorts of things that can cause this but only 4% of such cases turn out to be cancer. But I made an appointment to see my GP anyway. I tested my blood sugars the day before and was delighted to see them come in at 6.4, i.e within normal range, despite not working that hard at my diet over the past few weeks. So my type 2 diabetes is well in check and i was able to report that as I entered the surgery. As it happens I have also lost a few pounds so am now just very overweight not obese! Hip Hip hooray, cream cakes all round!

Call me old fashioned but I really don't like the idea of another man staring at my bollocks even if he is a GP. I was glad that Joshua, who I had brought along to give me moral support, did not see this examination and gonad fondling as we were separated by a screen. I can't imagine that most doctors really enjoy checking out other blokes gonads either. Anyhow I stared straight ahead not looking at the doctor looking at my balls and feeling each testicle in turn. Is the right one a bit tender he asked? Yes, said I, still staring straight ahead.

After what seemed like eons but was less than a minute the quack told me to get my trousers back on and prescribed some tablets. It is probably a condition whose name i cannot remember which is linked to the way type 2 diabetes causes you to piss more often than normal. My pissing is now under control but this is probably a legacy. But just to be on the safe side I have been booked in for a scan. The quack sounded as reassuring as those google statistics and so that scan is for another day - meanwhile that now leaves me taking seven pills a day.

But this swollen gonad makes one think. I am 50 next Birthday. Life is rushing along. I have had big rows with two colleagues this morning and once you accept that your days left on this planet may not be that many, it really does make you question your personal life and business model. Would I rather have spent more time singing songs with my 10 month old son Joshua and less dealing with website shite today, or less? That is not a hard call. Do I want to deal with goats (to milk) or sheep (that is to say Bulletin Board Morons? That is not a hard call either.

In a sense the test results do not matter a jot in the changing way that I view my life going forward.

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About Tom Winnifrith
Tom Winnifrith is the editor of When he is not harvesting olives in Greece, he is (planning to) raise goats in Wales.
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