Personal and undiluted views
jokes

1636 days ago

Graham Norton & Jonathan Ross discuss masturbating on an aeroplane for Comic Relief

Give us your money urged all the celebs and not so celebs on Comic Relief in an orgy of C list virtue signalling on the channel dedicated to such enterprises, the BBC. The celebs themselves donate their time which is, as you know valuable. Why is it valuable? Because the State funded broadcaster pays celebs vast salaries with taxpayers cash extorted via a poll tax, so distorting market forces and creating a false sense of "worth" all round.

So very rich folks donate their "valuable time" and get to show how utterly heroic and virtuous they all are and in return poor folks - that is you and I - are asked to hand over our dosh. Lots of us do and this shows what total heroes the celebs are. But other than the underlying rank con, there is another bit of a problem with Comic Relief which one day will sink it...it is not very funny.

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2167 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast 12 October: jokes, jokes, jokes

I am staying wth my father and lefty step mother in Shipston and so there are a string of jokes at his expense. Talking of jokes I mention, en passant, Sefton Resources (SER) but also the total joke that is Golden Saint Resources (GSR). Then there is BBA (BBA), Telit Communications (TCM), Surgical Innovations (SUN) - cue predictable Zak Mir joke -  and eServGlobal (ESG). Finally I comment on Adgorithms (ADGO) and flag up superb Peel Hunt research HERE

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2753 days ago

Call Me tasteless & see if I care: Recycling the Oscar Pistorius twitter jokes

I first published this a year ago but since Mr Pistorius is back in the headlines as his trial gets underway, I guess this is worth recycling.

Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven't. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today

 *@MrWard_* Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card

*@sickipediabot* Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

 *‏@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.

*@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.

*‏@aidan_fletcher* Oscar Pistorious shot dead his girlfriend last night. By the looks of things, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on...

*@Brandy_Carroll* Can't blame Oscar Pistorious for mistaking his girlfriend for a burglar. One takes half your money and possessions. The other is a burglar.

 *‏@NeilInbetween_* I think Oscar Pistorious took the band name 'Bullet for my valentine' a little too far

*@cobbo3* Lesson from Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend shooting? If your boyfriend has a gun, always try and get home b4 him.

 *@mrkennysenior* Police confirm that when Oscar Pistorious was arrested he was armed with a gun and two blades ‏

*@theponyboy* Think its pretty clear that Oscar Pistorious is an un-stable man

 *@LRPBaldwin* Apparently oscar pistorious shot his misses because he thought she was an intruder, police say he was on a night out an came home legless

*@JackMinall* Oscar Pistorious has now taken the worst boyfriend title away from Chris Brown. Shooting your misses on Valentines day.

 ‏@alex49200 Why was Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend burgling him? Yet more proof that women are mental.

*@richie_dgs* Oscar Pistorious- by the sounds of things he may not have legs but he is fully armed!

To read the best of the Pope quits twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Findus Lasagne twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best of the Tesco twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best of the Chris Huhne, Liar, criminal and ex MP twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Lance Armstrong twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best the #tweetlikealefty twitter jokes go HERE.  

To read the best of the Ryanair ( after losing ash cloud cast) twitter jokes click HERE. 

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3014 days ago

My Welsh Daughter and Sheep Jokes

An early father's day treat saw me take my delightful daughter Olivia out for breakfast in Islington. Olivia's mother (Big Nose) is a Welsh speaker and Olivia seems to be growing up as a die-hard cottage burner - she is now taking Welsh lessons herself. It will come in handly when she visits the family of Big Nose in West Wales.

And so we wander into this restaurant and Olivia sits down with her back against the wall. I sit opposite and we prepare to discuss how her recent exams went, her plans for her 12th birthday, etc, etc.

But I could not help look at the wall behind where Olivia chose to sit. For one it was the image below. I made some comment about the girlfriends of Big Nose's little brother Andrew and got a dirty look.

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3035 days ago

I guess the need for Lebensraum is genetic

I am sitting in a café in Berlin killing a couple of hours while my partner heads off to meet a friend who is such a screaming deluded lefty that it was felt that I would not be able to contain myself. Happily preparing to pen a quick piece on Norseman Gold a bunch of Krauts walk in and bark away in German. I mutter something about being English.

Can you move to smaller table so that we can occupy yours? Hmmm. I guess that the need for Lebensraum did not end in 1945.

Sure. Whatever. I am now sitting in a dark corner taking grim satisfaction from being able to make cheap jokes at their expense as they sprawl all over the benches by the window.

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3124 days ago

A apology to the entire Welsh nation

There was no free share tip today oneonefreesharetip.com today as instead I felt the need to apolgise to an entire nation. In case you are not registered ( why not?) the piece runs.

I make a public apology to the entire people of Wales. It is indeed a heart-felt apology to you all ( my daughter Olivia included and even to her mother “big nose”). For you see it seems that I have been insensitive to the great people of the nation that brought you Max Boyce, badger fancying MP Ron Davies, weekend cottage burning and the entire Kinnock family and I want to apologise for that.

Clem Chambers and I have received an email from a sensitive and humourless Welshie called Gareth Davies He states:

In your “One Free Share Tip” report of 17th February tipped Welsh technology hardware company I.Q.E., you referred to them as “sheep shaggers”. We Welsh have a good sense of humour and accept light –hearted “digs”, but the above phrase is not in that category and in fact is downright insulting and completely out of order. I trust that you will apologise for your remark and that such insults will not be repeated. Should I not receive a satisfactory reply, I may well take the matter further.

To Clem: I tried to get your e-mail address , but after several long, unanswered calls to 0207 0700 961, I have had to send your copy of the above e-mail by post (recorded delivery). Remarks such as the one above are often made in the media , mainly by S.E.England/London “establishment” figures. Having worked/travelled throughout Britain , I know that such hereditary, systemic, arrogant, publically- stated insolence is viewed by others outside the S.E. region with annoyance and contempt. Attitudes are hardening and in future, such insolence will not be tolerated.

Ooooh er missus. I am threatened by Gareth, who clearly has time on his hands, that he may take the matter further and Clem now knows that this “insolence will not be tolerated.”

Clem and I are sensitive souls. I hate to think of Gareth staring up the valley looking at deserted coal mines and suffering because an Ireland supporting writer made such a comment about his fellow Celts. Poor Gareth. I am almost in tears as I write this apology for I want his soul to become less tormented. For you Gareth but also to all your wonderful countrymen and countrywomen, including family man Ryan Giggs and Ruth Madoc from Hi-de-Hi, I would like to state publicly:

I apologise for the comment. I fully accept that no-one in Wales has ever considered shagging a sheep and that nothing of the sort ever happens in the Principality. I think I got Wales confused with the Scottish borders and apologise for my basic error of geography which I shall not repeat.

Ends.

I hope that Gareth will accept this apology in full and will promise not to burn down the cottage that my Aunt Lucy owns in his great land.

I trust that this puts an end to the matter as I would rather spend an eternity listening to Aled Jones records in a room full of grumbling Welshies bleating on about how the wicked Thatcher closed down all the mines, than continue this pointless correspondence any further.

Tom Winnifrith

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3136 days ago

The Darwin awards – you could not make it up

The Darwin awards – you could not make it up

Each year the Darwin awards are handed out to those who have done most to strengthen the human gene pool by their own actions. This year’s winner has been announced. And also the runner-up positions. You could not make it up. Thanks to James Saperia (a man for who I was his Cilla Black) for flagging this up.

The winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions of which number 4 is a stormer:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

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3137 days ago

Oscar Pistorious kills girlfriend - the best of the tasteless twitter comments

Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven’t. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today

@MrWard_
Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card

@sickipediabot
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don’t try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

‏@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.

@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.

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3140 days ago

The best of the Pope quits jokes from twitter

Obviously at our Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell, Real Man Pizza Company. we are all devout Catholics. Well up to a point. But we wish his Holiness an enjoyable retirement anyway. As for twitter, its verdict was not always quite so charitable

@williamfergus
You know that the economy is bad when even God is laying people off.

@adamhillscomedy
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.

@Queen_UK
Text from Prince Charles: “Pope Benedict XVI is standing down to give someone younger a chance at leading a Church. Just saying.”

@NPsteve
Nope Benedict

@polisidekick
#Pope makes good on #Vatican poker night joke, gives up papacy for lent.

@BDayspring
So the Pope is resigning. Is it something we did?

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3143 days ago

Findus Beef Lasagne is 100% Horse: the twitter jokes

If you want a cracking home made lasagne using real beef and fresh ingredients and topped off with a creamy tomato and basil sauce come along to Real Man Pizza Company. in Clerkenwell and myself, Aldo or Damian will be delighted to deliver. Mention this blog today and we wll give you a free glass of our new Gascon wine with your meal.

If you want to pay £1 for a beef Lasagne you go somewhere cheap and ghastly and buy a Findus product. Yuk. I’d rather eat a horse. Oh, it seems that is just what folks have been doing. The twitter jokes follow:

@GraemeGarden1 What’s the fuss? For years we’ve been told that Ready Meals contain too much Salt and Shergar. #findus

@nealspinks
Is there a time limit on when we should post #findus horse meat lasagne jokes? I need to know so come on… Yea or neigh..?

@Old_Holborn
Now you know why farmers are so keen to round up all the badgers #Findus

@wiffen
#Findus now join the charge of the light brigade, admitting they have ridden roughshod over the traditional lasagne recipe

@ShieldsGazVez
Oh not #Findus as well. I think we should face up to reality now and admit that we’ve all scoffed at least three horses without knowing

@robfol
More proof that cheap food is bad for #horses!

@DowieSimon
My wife cooked me a #Findus lasagne last night she said “do you want anything on it?” I said a £5er each way

@OreMeta
Morning All, let’s look on the brightside. At least you won’t get Mad Cow’s Disease from eating #Findus Lasagne

@spcb
Young pony to old mare: “Where do we go when we die Mummy?” Old Mare: “To a far-away land called Tesco. That’s where you’ll #Findus.” Boom!

To read the best of the Tesco twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Chris Huhne, Liar, criminal and ex MP twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Lance Armstrong twutter jokes go HERE.

To read the best the #tweetlikealefty twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Ryanair ( after losing ash cloud cast) twitter jokes click HERE.

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3147 days ago

The best of the Chris Huhne MP (pro tem) jokes from twitter

As Chris Huhne MP (pro tem) prepares to leave the house of commons to spend some time an another institution full of liars and thieves ( so no change there), twitter erupts into a volley of abuse. Here’s the best

@gabrielquotes
#Huhne has been driven out of office by this scandal. Or did he drive himself?

@jetboyfantastic
Vicky Pryce was furious about Trimingham now she’s pleased #Huhne is doing some bird.

@GarionTweets
Today is a good day to bury bad #Huhne’s..

‏@pperrin
Clegg ‘I am shocked and saddned that Chris #Huhne has admitted criminaly perverting the course of justice – he should have kept lying’

@CaptainRanty
“Miss Pryce is using an archaic defence called ‘marital coercion’ ‘ So can I use the same thing to get out of shopping?

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3152 days ago

The best of the Lance Armstrong tweets

We love cycling at Real Man Pizza Company. Sitting in our quirkly Celtic Italian restaurant in Clerkenwell I am at this very moment staring at a framed, signed Mark Cavendish jersey from a couple of years ( and teams) ago. Cav is a real man…he wouldn’t cry on a talk show. And that brings us to Lance.

Now that I have officially won exactly the same number of Tour De France yellow jerseys as Lance Armstrong, I bring you a quiick review of the best Lance Armstrong tweeted jokes. Twitter is not ALL rubbish.

@BouwerBosch
Lance Armstrong’s darkest legacy will be that he convinced millions of men it was okay to wear cycling shorts – Andre Botha

@funnyordie
Lance Armstrong sends a powerful message to the kids of America: don’t do drugs and cheat unless you want to be rich and go on Oprah.

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3166 days ago

The best Tesco jokes from Twitter today. No foaling.

Sitting at Real Man Pizza Company enjoying a great lunch, clearly there is only story of the day to discuss.

No comment needed from me, the starter’s gun has been fired and we are off…

@davusp
Perhaps #Tesco is an abbreviation for Total Equine Sourcing Coldcuts and Offal?

@parvez08
At least there were no traces of Jockey found

@frankieboyle: A lot of people longing for the good old days when
#tesco burgers were made from cows’ arseholes, cocks and eyelids

@Lshaunwsutton
Had a burger last night, still got a bit between my teeth #horsemeat

@southerngooner
Stop trotting out these horse puns. I’ve seen the mane ones hundreds
of times, didn’t think they’d last furlong. N equestrians?

@MacBish67
Less far, more Shergar

@palinczuk
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says
‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’

@tagmcallister
Unexpected item in bagging area

@MarioBaloteLAD
#Tesco clearly taking “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse” a little
bit too seriously.

@CRAIGYJ1986
“Can’t believe that woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse
meat burger… Her condition is said to be stable”

@Ladbrokes
We’re going 500/1 that a burger wins The Grand National this year……

@nickschofield1
I was a bit worried so I went to the freezer to check my Tesco
burgers, and….THEY’RE OFF.

@boobygraffoe
#horsemeat in burgers? That’s cruel. Horses should be where they
belong: On a racecourse, being whipped by midgets.

@J_CartwrightNOT
Horse meat in burgers? All part of a stable diet.. #tesco

@paullewismoney

I tried a #tesco ‘beef’burger and thought the going was a bit soft – been nagging me ever since.

@badassday

Hang on…… Twitter is awash with “missing dog” tweets, and Tesco burgers. Coincidence?

@TomSorbie: Forget the horse burgers, you want to try the
meatballs….. They’re the dog bollocks!!!

@joaniwalshi
They found dog DNA in those #tesco burgers as well, didn’t they…
Every Little Yelps.

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3337 days ago

Tomograph Issue 2 Live

The Tomograph is the weekly newsletter sent out by this blog. To make sure that you get a copy register for the site in that little box near the top RH side of your screen. You can view the archive here and read this week’s edition here.

As well the caption contest and links to the 10 most read pieces on the blog this week, The Tomograph will always contain a brand new piece – on this occasion on coping with rejection. Fear not, it was not a big rejection, I coped and I find pleasure in it.

After a day of writing mainly about the bloody Olympics, tomorrow I am to polish off a new share tip to appear here during market hours on Monday. To get a real time alert to that tip you need to follow me on twitter – there will be no email alert.

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3338 days ago

Graham Norton a new job at the Olympics, Cheap jokes, semi naked women, debt and a new share tip

The Olympics are now underway. I am meant to go with popular opinion (or what the Government spin machine makes us believe is popular opinion) and say how dazzled I was by the opening ceremony. I am afraid I cannot. Of course it was pleasing to see so many happy young faces and the choreography and special effects were very impressive. But in terms of historical accuracy there were enough omissions that Beta minus would seem a charitable score. And the vision of what is special about modern Britain made me think what a vacuous sort of place we live in. We may have a lot of I-Pods, ageing celebs and a multi cultural awareness but do we really stand for anything of lasting note today? Some of the content was genuinely cringe making and my instant reaction was to take a two mile sea journey from my Corfiot summer base and claim political asylum in Albania.

By the time the Athletes started parading I needed a certain degree of anaesthetic in the form of cheap wine. Sadly not excellent Chapel Down wine. When an all-black team appeared behind what looked like the Irish flag it took me a little while to realise that we were only at C ( the parade seemed to last an eternity thanks to the inclusion of about 80 new countries that I had never heard of before) and that it was in fact the team from Cote d’Ivoire. And yes I then realised that the green, white and orange are in reverse order. I could not work out why some countries dressed their athletes like tour guides while others seemed to have borrowed a line of shell suits from a £1 shop in Liverpool. When a German VIP started giving the straight arm salute to the team from the Fatherland I got really baffled. Who said that the Krauts did not have a sense of humour? What were the Czech team doing wearing multi-coloured wellington boots? Is that part of the national costume or a joke about the British weather? Was it the team from Lichtenstein or Luxembourg who turned up in jeans so that they could go hang out and blend in with the young people in a Romford night club afterwards? By L, it was all a bit of a blur.

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3339 days ago

A Second Video Postcard from Greece

I think I am getting the hang of this video technology. I am writing to you from the Connections Bar where there is a high speed wi-fi service and my latest video is whirring its way online. Last time it took 14 hours to get back to the UK. This time it looks set to complete in 150 minutes.

The play list here could have been created by me. Oasis, Nena, Dexy’s, all I need is some Undertones and I shall feel like I am back at Real Man Pizza. Anyhow, I hope that you enjoy the video

On the Agenda

  1. Greece
  2. The Euro
  3. Gold
  4. Oil
  5. Inflation and how that affects your portfolio

A new share tip on the way on TomWinnifrith.com – maker sure you follow me on twitter (@tomwinnifrith) for the alert. It will go out during market hours.

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