Personal and undiluted views
Tesco

13 days ago

Photo article from the Welsh Hovel - the carrot harvest

Okay, it would not feed an army but we have, perhaps 60 carrots to keep us going until Christmas. Joshua and I picked the and cut off the green leaves. I wonder if the Mrs, who thinks all food comes from Tesco, knows that carrots have leaves? Now and again I would lift up one which was perfectly shaped and sized and would say to Joshua that “we could sell this to Tesco” but we agreed that we would not do so as Joshua loves carrots.

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157 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: This is bull market madness: Musk, Tesla, Bixby and Edwards

I start with the frustrations of a visit to Tesco (TSCO) Wrexham. Piss poor customer service. Then I look at Manolete (MANO) where I smell more trouble ahead. Then I move onto bull market madness and how it will end in tears for my mother-in-law, Elon Musk, Tesla, Bitcoin, Jonathan Bixby, Mike Edwards, NFT Investments, Clarify Pharma, Argo Blockchain (ARB), Novum Securities and Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

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246 days ago

MyHealthChecked Video – you wanted a few numbers and what is this about Boots & Tesco?

Reader SB asks if there are any forecasts for MyHealthChecked (MHC). There are not. Not even from the UK’s leading healthcare analyst Mr Brokerman Dan Levi. However the company does give indications of what sort of sales it might achieve in a corporate presentation video below. There is more and I am not sure what this means and think MyHealthChecked should clarify

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365 days ago

Bonkers Welsh First Minister Mark Drakeford: buying milk is safe but buying socks in the same store spreads Covid

Three days ago, I asked who was going to certify Welsh First Minister Mark Drakeford as insane after he announced that he was putting the nation under a fire breaker house arrest as of 6PM on Friday. This was needed, we are told, to protect the NHS in Wales. After his latest pronouncement, which marks him out as a true intellectual lightweight in the world of political pygmies, I wonder if there is anyone left in Wales who does not want Drakeford dragged off by the men in white coats?

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557 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: so where should I invest my SIPP Windfall?

It looks like the cash that I did not realise until a few months ago I had, will finally arrive in my SIPP this week. so where will I invest it? I discuss my outlook for equities in general, what I shall avoid and then Optibiotix (OPTI). R4E (R4E), Imperial Brands (IMB), Centamin (CEY), Tesco (TSCO), BP (BP.), Shell (RDSB), Wishbone Gold (WSBN) Red Rock (RRR) and Fox Marble (FOX).

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562 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: No! No! No! This is very wrong indeed Tesco & more shocking Nostra Terra revelations

I look at news that Tesco (TSCO) is upping its dividend while getting a massive tax break from the taxpayer. This is wrong at every level. The Times tries to defend it, no doubt on orders from a powerful corporate PR machine, but this is simply a transfer of wealth from the poor to the rich and should not be allowed. I look at Nostra Terra Oil & Gas (NTOGfollowing up on my earlier piece with more questions for the board and Nomad, Strand Hanson, and another shocking revelation abiout the behaviour of CEO Matt Lofgran. Finally a few words on Concepta (CPT), my share tip of the year where I have averaged down in today’s placing. 

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584 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bonus Bearcast: part 2 of panic shopping at Tesco, my "insanity" of round 1 is rewarded

I report back on my second round of shopping online at Tesco as we prepare for the Coronavirus here in Wrexham. This is a week after my first panic shop which the Mrs branded as insane and grounds for divorce. But she misjudged our fellow citizens and I did not and so thank heavens I prepared as I did.

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591 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: Shopping online at Tesco I report back on loo rolls, baked beans, soups and delivery snags

This is all to do with my own panic shopping but what it told me about how others are behaving. If folks think that most consumers continue to act as if nothing is wrong, think again. Then I look at Future (FUTR) which i don’t believe as it issues a trading statement, round two of beer and popcorn at Iofina (IOF) as the great Brexit bad boy Arron Banks makes his move, French Connection (FCCN) and ValiRx (VAL) botb of which look pretty fecked.

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1042 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: a dark day in the fight against corporate fraud & the share price that tells you a B2C stockmarket bloodbath is on the way

I start with the bad news on the collapse of the fraud case against two Tesco (TSCO) executives. We have got the fight against fraud all wrong. But things will change as the anger generated by a bear market causes calls for dramatic change. Then, starting with the share price of Intu (INTU) I explain why this shows you that there is an almighty B2C bloodbath on the way in 2019 and how you must reshape your shares portfolio accordingly.

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1352 days ago

Harriet Harman, the BBC and the rest of the liberal media elite lie about a gender pay gap at Tesco

The veteran Labour equalities campaigner Harriet Harman is at it again. By it I mean lying. She has tweeted: "Women £8 per hour @Tesco . Men £11. The equal pay uprising continues. #tescowomen #bbcwomen. Pay inequality cannot survive exposure."

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1670 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast - How the Shipmans are buttering up my Dad plus punishing the wrong folks at Tesco

My father is being charmed and buttered up by the quacks at Warwick Hospital and I am off there shortly for a pre operation chat. Ahead of that I look at Tesco (TSCO) and its fines today - we really have got white collar crime all wrong in this country. Then I look at Genel (GENL), Tasty (TAST) which is really not very tasty at all, Advanced Oncotherapy (AVO) which is is utterly inedible and Sound Energy (SOU) where the issue is valuation. Surely the good news is in the price already? 

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1834 days ago

Tom Winnifrith Bearcast: Bring out the piano wire for the AIM awards tonight & are you boycotting marmite?

I start with the bust up over marmite and other matters between Tesco (TSCO) and Unilever (ULVR). Naturally the democracy denying liberal establishment bastards at the BBC blame Brexit for sterling's slide and this - I explained here why this was wrong. I explain what this battle is really about. I then look at DiamondCorp (DCP), Iofina (IOF), Goldstone Resources (GRL) and Magnolia Petroleum (MAGP). I end with a look at the AIM awards. I get really angry at this point and when the anarcho capitalist revolution arrives the 2,500 crony capitalists spending £750,000 of YOUR cash tonight merit a meeting with piano wire. 

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1869 days ago

Tesco three charged with Fraud by SFO - This gives a timescale for Rob Terry

The Serious Fraud Office (SFO) has today charged three individuals, Carl Rogberg, 49, Christopher Bush, 50, and John Scouler, 48, with one count of Fraud by Abuse of Position, contrary to section 1 and 4 of the Fraud Act 2006 and one count of False Accounting contrary to s17 Theft Act 1968. These are the first charges brought against folks at Tesco (TSCO) for cooking its books. The timescale is fascinating for those interested in the fate of Rob Terry and the other Quenron fraudsters...

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1911 days ago

So you think blue chip shares are safe? Think again...

So you think blue chip shares are safe? Hat tip to a Mr N Wray from London for the table below which proves that they are not.had you stuck £5,000 into all the stocks in the FTSE 100 10 years ago in 17 cases you would have lost money in absolute terms. The worst investment would be RBS (RBS) where your initial £5,000 would today be worth £191. Other household names such as Tesco (TSCO), Marks & Sparks (MKS) and Aviva (AV.)  were just dogs. As the table below shows even supposedly safe blue chips carry risk.

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1928 days ago

What is it with the younger generation? Now they can't find a row of beans?

Having recently noted the failure of my step brother T and the Mrs, collectively the younger generation, to know what a potato plant looks like, I suggest to my father that I might include broad beans in his supper tonight. "All gone" he says. "Really?" I responded "who said so?" er...it was your step brother T.

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1944 days ago

June edition of the UK Investor magazine: Should we stay or should we go? + 7 share tips

The June edition of UK Investor Show magazine is now live featuring Sainsbury v Tesco, Brexit or in, Tom Winnifrith vs Darren Atwater, 4 buy share tips and 3 sells to 0p from Tom Winnifrith, Q&A with Alexander Mining and more. You can download your free copy below.

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1964 days ago

"Treating" an olive tree at the Greek Hovel as only a man can do

I am sure that many of you reading this believe that olives like all other food come from Tesco wrapped in clean plastic packets and therefore may scream "yuk" as you read what follows. Yes, my dear sweet wife I am thinking about you and all the other latte drinking townies out there. Those of us who grew up in the boonies know that producing food is a hell of a lot easier if you have loads of shit ( i.e manure) to boost the process. I have no manure yet although my first batch of humanure from the eco-loo should be ready next year. But I have something even better...wee wee.

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2282 days ago

Photos from Shipston: Note to the Mrs, Raspberries don't grow in Tesco's punnets

The Mrs and I are separated by two great divides.  The first is that she is a deluded lefty who belies in the State rather than the individual and that capitalism is the root of all evil rather than the engine of mankind’s progression whereas I am a libertarian. The second is that she is a townie who has never lived where I grew up, the country.

So though an enthusiastic meat eater she recoils at the idea of killing anything. I find it easy. And I sometimes think that she thinks that raspberries and potatoes grow in punnets at Tesco. So just for her a couple of pictures…

My father’s garden in Shipston is full of life. And so there are raspberries a plenty to pick, the last of the potatoes and strawberries, red currants, black currants and still to come gooseberries and yet more raspberries.

Note to the Mrs & other townies:

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2308 days ago

Druid Getafix, aka Malcolm Stacey, must have over-imbed at the Punter’s Return – ref Tesco

This morning my money tree worshipping comrade, the druid Getafix, aka Comrade Malcolm Stacey has written comments (HERE) about Tesco which are so completely insane that I have to respond. Quite simply, I can only assume that Malcolm took too much magic potion last night as he appears to be off with the fairies. Malcolm writes about Tesco:

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2312 days ago

Breaking Exclusive: Oh Dear – more bad news for Quindell, YLF class action ups the ante today

Oh dear, poor old Quindell (QPP). Following news of the FCA investigation and additional internal checks on Rob Terry’s accounting fraud, I can reveal that those plan ing a class action have now appointed a top barrister as they prepare to lodge a claim. This is an additional threat to the special dividend this fraudulent company had promised. 

Your Legal Friend, which is organising the class action, has appointed Philip Marshall QC as Lead Counsel for the potential group action on behalf of Quindell shareholders. Mr Marshall QC has a cracking reputation and track record in the area of financial and investor litigation and already has a similar lead role in relation to significant investor actions against Tesco PLC and RBS Group PLC  being conducted by other respected legal firms. 

YLF commented on the FCA 

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2451 days ago

Hargreaves Lansdown jumps into bed with the free speech deniers & black balls ShareProphets

You would have thought that a firm of stockbrokers would want to see a critical press exposing fraud on AIM so that its clients do not lose money. But it appears that Hargreaves Lansdown (HL.) has given into the Bulletin Board jihadists and has joined other companies such as Tesco in refusing to advertise here. The same folk who have sent me death threats, smeared me and the restaurant because of what I write (fraud exposes) are trying to get this website closed down.

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2455 days ago

The Bulletin Board Jihadists win another victory AGAINST free speech as Etihad Airlines blacklists ShareProphets

Tesco, Waitrose, John Lewis and Now Etihad Airlines have all asked Google not to carry their ads on ShareProphets as a result of a campaign by Bulletin Board Jihadists who do not like what I have to say.

This website carries details of the “victories” of the free speech deniers. 

The website states that it objects to by use of bad language. But the letter it sent to Etihad makes it clear that it is not my language but me that it wants to nail. I really am pissing myself that the jihadists told Etihad that I was insulting Muhammad by using the word “Prophet” in my website title.

The fact is that the free speech deniers really object to the fact that I tell the truth about companies – look at the tweet in the title. I predicted shares in African Minerals would tank. They are now suspended pending clarification. The QPPSAG (do not like what I reveal about Quindell and the fact that the shares are almost 90% off their peak. So they try to shoot the messenger.

Tesco, Etihad, Waitrose and John Lewis you are a bunch of cowardly motherfuckers. You are siding with free speech deniers against a free press because it makes your life easier. To n’est ce pas Charlie. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Do you think that I shall be changing my style? No way. Fuck the lot of you: Long live Free Speech & Liberty.

To support free speech

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2466 days ago

Page Three Ce n’est pas mort – #JeSuispage3

Like Lazarus, rising from the dead, Page 3 birds have returned to The Sun. Good. A small minority of the liberal elite who never read the paper anyway attempted to dictate a change of editorial policy. They have failed.

The liberal elite do not like Page three birds. They would not like their daughters showing their tits. But then their daughters go to nice private schools in North London, a good university and have nice respectable careers. A check-out position at Tesco is not their career choice.

The liberal elite are happy to deny the poor the opportunity for financial freedom because the poor are the client state of the liberal left. And while they mouth platitudes about freedom of speech or expression that is only until something is said which they find distasteful.

I find The Guardian objectionable and distasteful. So I do not buy it. But I have no right to stop it publishing opinions on a daily basis which I find loathsome.  But then I do not pretend to be part of the liberal left: I actually DO believe in freedom and in allowing those less privileged than I the chance of a better life.

Vive Le Sun. Vive les Page Three Birds.  I shall continue not to buy it as it is generally an intolerant rag full of rubbish but I am delighted that it will continue to stay that way.

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2468 days ago

Je Suis Page 3

The Mrs finds page three women offensive and is today celebrating the fact that The Sun has dropped this feature.  Most of its readers wanted it to stay and most of the population did not care but a small group of the liberal elite campaigned hard, applying commercial pressures on News Corp and Page three est mort.  There you go, the liberal left find something offensive and they may be a minority but it must be banned.  Hmmm a cup of Charlie Hebdo anybody?

Page three has allowed a good few Essex girls to get a career outside of Tesco’s and earn decent wonga. It was their choice to get their kit off and they grabbed it. I guess it is back to Tesco’s for the next generation of Melinda’s and Sam’s.

The liberal left do not care about giving opportunity to the poor, to their client state. They care

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2480 days ago

Bearcast 8th January - free speech deniers Quindell and other matters

Yesterday 12 journalists were murdered by those who deny free speech. Today on the LSE asylum others who do not believe in free speech are at work. They may not be murderers but they are no less despicable. I start with that matter and Quindell and move on to cover Kenmare, Global Energy Developments, Tern, Igas, Sainsbury and Tesco, Touchstone Gold and Northwest Investment Group.

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2509 days ago

Tom Winnifrith's BearCast - 9 December

The last Bearcast from Greece. In this issue I cover Iomart, Coms, Tesco, ASOS, Concha, Fitbug and of course Quindell

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2585 days ago

Tesco & Quindell, accruals and dealing with dissenting analysts

Both companies have engaged in aggressive accounting with regard to accruals. One has already been shown to have overstated profits, managers have been fired, the forensic accountants are in and the Serious Fraud Office is now said to be looking into the matter. The other is Quindell (QPP).

There are two big differences between the two. One is that Tesco (TSCO) has admitted that it has overstated profits. Quindell is yet to fess up. The other is the scale of the overstatement. In the case of Tesco £250 million reduces profits forecasts by c23%. Quindell will book almost 40% of its revenues this year on an accrual basis. This has the scope to wipe out its stated profits completely.

But there are similarities too and most striking to me is how both companies have dealt with difficult analysts and also hard questions from the press.

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2586 days ago

After Tesco who is next for a dodgy revenue recognition admission? Any suggestions?

As any bull market gets out of hand the aggressive accounting practices start to emerge. Managers on bonuses do whatever they feel able to get away with to deliver the sales and profits needed to justify crazy ratings. Tesco has done the right thing in suspending managers, coming clean and calling in auditors for a full forensic. The question I poser to you is who is next?

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2789 days ago

Call Me tasteless & see if I care: Recycling the Oscar Pistorius twitter jokes

I first published this a year ago but since Mr Pistorius is back in the headlines as his trial gets underway, I guess this is worth recycling.

Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven't. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today

 *@MrWard_* Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card

*@sickipediabot* Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

 *‏@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.

*@FattusAntus* Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.

*‏@aidan_fletcher* Oscar Pistorious shot dead his girlfriend last night. By the looks of things, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on...

*@Brandy_Carroll* Can't blame Oscar Pistorious for mistaking his girlfriend for a burglar. One takes half your money and possessions. The other is a burglar.

 *‏@NeilInbetween_* I think Oscar Pistorious took the band name 'Bullet for my valentine' a little too far

*@cobbo3* Lesson from Oscar Pistorious' girlfriend shooting? If your boyfriend has a gun, always try and get home b4 him.

 *@mrkennysenior* Police confirm that when Oscar Pistorious was arrested he was armed with a gun and two blades ‏

*@theponyboy* Think its pretty clear that Oscar Pistorious is an un-stable man

 *@LRPBaldwin* Apparently oscar pistorious shot his misses because he thought she was an intruder, police say he was on a night out an came home legless

*@JackMinall* Oscar Pistorious has now taken the worst boyfriend title away from Chris Brown. Shooting your misses on Valentines day.

 ‏@alex49200 Why was Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend burgling him? Yet more proof that women are mental.

*@richie_dgs* Oscar Pistorious- by the sounds of things he may not have legs but he is fully armed!

To read the best of the Pope quits twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Findus Lasagne twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best of the Tesco twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best of the Chris Huhne, Liar, criminal and ex MP twitter jokes go HERE.

To read the best of the Lance Armstrong twitter jokes go HERE

To read the best the #tweetlikealefty twitter jokes go HERE.  

To read the best of the Ryanair ( after losing ash cloud cast) twitter jokes click HERE. 

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2798 days ago

The New Media Thought Police March once again in Margate, Kent.

Once again the fascist bully boys of the Kent Police are stamping out on new media thought crime. This force has “form” when it comes to Orwellian oppression of thought crime but in Margate this week they have surpassed themselves. 

In the sleepy seaside town there is a plan to build a new Tesco. As ever in such matters, opinion is divided. The plebs want cheap turkey twizzlers and jobs and so are in favour. The middle classes fear that the small stores where they pay over the odds for their sundried Tuscan tomatoes may be shut down and so are against. Such was the debate in my parents’ home town of Shipston last year where my deluded lefty father and step-mother were naturally wanting to screw the poor along with their fellow Guardian readers who, for once, stood firm alongside Nimby Tory Toffs. Sadly this unholy alliance prevailed and so the shops where they buy their quail has been saved while the folks on the Council Estates are deprived of both consumer choice and jobs. Chianti’s all round.

Over in Margate battle lines are similar

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3020 days ago

July Pond Life on Hampstead Heath

My old pal Robert Sutherland Smith, now aged 167, is off on a summer break for a few days. Before departing he offered up his thoughts on life from Hampstead Heath. He has also served up two articles today (on G4S and Tesco) on www.shareprophets.com  Over to RSS.

Now that the great heat has come, the ponds more closely resemble the Ganges with seemingly half the population of London seeking its cool liquidity, except that the water no longer has that cool crispness which bites back in less sunny days. 

Crowds as we know are prone to madness

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3038 days ago

The 194 Listed Companies with County Court Judgements against them named

If a company does not pay a bill then ultimately the easiest way to force its hand is to seek a County Court Judgement (CCJ) against it. The process costs £20 to kick off and is simple enough. Once you get a judgement you can if you need to send in the bailiffs to recover goods equivalent to what you are owed plus costs. And there are 194 listed UK companies with CCJ’s outstanding and I can reveal who they are…

I caveat this by saying that big companies will inevitably attract the odd CCJ – it is just a part of doing business. So do I read anything into the fact that Tesco or Greene King have CCJ’s against them? No.

Where it gets interesting is among smaller companies as attracting a CCJ when you are a smaller company indicates

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3123 days ago

Guest Post Robert Sutherland Smith on supermarkets group William Morrison

Robert Sutherland Smith is again proving that he is still alive with another guest post. Robert started his City career the year before I was born and is, I think, 157 years old. Fear not. He is very much alive and kicking. He and I have worked together for almost eight years at t1ps.com . He is my friend and he is a very funny and intelligent chap. He is now branching out to celebrate his 158th by doing some freelance writing over at TradingResearchPoint on FTSE 350 Income stocks. Robert is a speaker at the UKInvestor Show on April 13th. He is a great one for focussing on yield. RSS today looks at William Morrison, the supermarkets group. RSS writes:

I can remember when William Morrison (MRW) was once the most fashionable share in the food retailing sector. Not only fashionable, but exotic too; an emergent hitherto unknown northern kind of retailer, that was culturally different; more direct and tougher than softer southern food retailers like the then Tesco and Sainsbury. In stock market terms it was a bit like one of the heroes from one of those gritty fifties novels set in the north like ‘This Sporting Life’ and the ‘Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner’. I seem to recall that Morrison’s brought the concept of ‘bogof’ to our shopping reality. William Morrison was at the no nonsense, cutting edge; retailing with a Yorkshire accent. It was highly rated as I recall, because it was a growth business as it pushed into the deep south of gentrified food and grocery demand.

But things have changed. Morrison is out of fashion in the food retailing sector now

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3141 days ago

Guest Share tip: Robert Sutherland Smith buy J Sainsbury for yield

Robert Sutherland Smith is again proving that he is still alive with another guest post. Robert started his City career the year before I was born and is, I think, 157 years old. Fear not. He is very much alive and kicking. He and I have worked together for almost eight years at t1ps.com . He is my friend and he is a very funny and intelligent chap. He is now branching out to celebrate his 158th by doing some freelance writing over at TradingResearchPoint on FTSE 350 Income stocks. Robert is a speaker at the UKInvestor Show on April 13th. He is a great one for focussing on yield. RSS today looks at J Sainsbury. RSS writes:

In the chemical filing cabinet that serves that as my memory, I had evidently misfiled Sainsbury under the heading ‘no dividend interest’; presumably nudged by another memorized observation that Sainsbury has been handsomely outperforming William Morrison and Tesco – which I have also recently reviewed as a dividend paying candidate. The truth is of course that Sainsbury is notably well qualified to serve as an above average dividend yielder. So I have looked at the situation to see what Lord Sainsbury’s store has to offer by way of useful dividend income.

The Lord Sainsbury thing is a little joke of mine which I like to share with the bemused staff at my local Sainsbury when I send my personal regards through them to Lord Sainsbury.

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3173 days ago

Oscar Pistorious kills girlfriend - the best of the tasteless twitter comments

Some may describe this as being more tasteless than a Findus horse lasagne. There will be those who gloss over the reports of repeated domestic incidents in this household and say that we should all move on. I haven’t. And so I bring you the best of the Oscar Pistorious twitter jokes today

@MrWard_
Oscar Pistorious killed his misses on valentines day so dont complain when yours forgets 2 get a card

@sickipediabot
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don’t try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

‏@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. Proof that a man with no legs is better at shooting than Theo Walcott.

@FattusAntus
Oscar Pistorious. A history of violence against women and has spent most of his life legless. He’s the South African Paul Gascoigne.

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3176 days ago

Banning packed lunches at schools – Michael Gove becomes a Health Fascist

Education secretary Michael Gove is introducing cooking lessons at school so that by the time they hit sixteen all kids can cook at least 20 meals. Whatever. I hope it works. But he is now considering implementing a proposal to ban kids from bringing packed lunches or leaving the school at lunchtime so forcing them to eat healthy school meals. Gove you are becoming a health fascist. And moreover it will not work.

The average packed lunch contains – we are told – one sandwich, a chocolate bar, a packet of crisps and an apple which is usually put back in the box again after going back home uneaten. Gove wishes to force patents to spend the cash they spend on junk lunch boxes on school meals instead.

Let’s start with economics. A school meal costs £175-£2.25 depending on where you live.

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3186 days ago

RyanAir Loses Ash case - the twitter joke reaction plus another helping of Tesco

For once the European court gets it right and will force Ryanair to do what all other airlines did two years ago and compensate passengers who lost flights due to volcanic ash. And so I bring you the instant Twitter joke reaction, plus a few older RyanAir jokes for good measure and to go with your coffee (that will be €five please) an ater dinner snack (that will be €7) from Tesco

The DM Reporter ‏@DMReporter
TRAVEL: Ryan Air introduce new £510 admin charge for any customer claiming £500 compensation for delays.

Jim Kellam ‏@creativejimsez
If oxygen masks came down in an emergency (they do have them right?) Ryanair would try & charge for the oxygen

Ruth Dudley Edwards ‏@RuthDE
‘I’ve just about had it with Ryanair. Now they want to charge me for my emotional baggage!’ #ryanair

Ben Davies ‏@bt_davies
BBC News – French-led troops ‘have control of Timbuktu airport’ http://bbc.in/14mLt3C – excellent. #ryanair’s new route to Avignon

And a few older jokes:

Michael O’Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

“That will be one Euro, please,” says the barman.
“That’s a very fair price,” replies O’Leary.
“Would you like a glass with that, sir?” asks the barman.

Why won’t Al Qaida ever bomb a Ryanair flight?
Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.

So the new ‘Apple maps’ has cities placed miles from where they should be.
Hardly new, Ryanair pilots have been using the app for years now.

I have empathy with Lindsay Sandiford.
I would smuggle 5kg of cocaine into Ireland before the bills from Ryanair for excess baggage stopped it being profitable.

And that Tesco tweet:
*David Glass ‏@JacksonTar
Tesco in trouble again – traces of human DNA found in their Welsh Lamb

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3190 days ago

Delight in Sheep Street Shipston – should I flog my father’s house without telling him?

The Sunday Times has a feature this week on the top ten towns in Britain to live in because that they still have a thriving Town Centre having battled off the wicked supermarkets. Put another way: the top ten twee towns for the Middle Classes to live in nice houses and who cares about the jobless plebs who can’t get cheap food anyway. Naturally, following last week, Shipston in Warwickshire is in there. And as a bonus…

Perhaps as a reward for the leading role played by my step mother in the screw the plebs and Tesco campaign, Sheep Street where my father and step mother own a house is the most desirable street in Shipston. Naturally as a wicked right winger, I note the looming property bubble, I have put my father’s house up for sale without telling him. I will break the good news to him later.

NB. If comrade Kenner, Shipston labour councillor or any other dumb leftie is reading this, that last line was a joke. Following Brother Kenner’s last contribution here, I feel the need to point that out, patronising though it may seem.

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3192 days ago

Friday caption contest - Shipston on Stour Edition

I am not sure if this story is sponsored by the Shipston Middle classes who wish to deprive the Shipston plebs of affordable housing, cheap Turkey twizzlers and above all jobs, or by the coalition as we enter a triple dip recession.

On balance, having put Shipston on the map this one is in honour of the unholy alliance of deluded middle class lefties and Tory Toffs in Warwickshire who stopped Tesco from opening a store in the town where my father and step mother (deluded lefties) live.

I write about this here about 24 hours ago.

To win a “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt which in this period of intense global warming will be extremely useful, simply post your entries to the picture below.

You can, of course, buy your own It’s Time to Leave T-shirt, sweatshirt, hoodie, mug or thermos flask in my online store here.

My entry is: “Someone spreads a vicous rumour on the Council Estates that the Shipston venison and pheasant shop is selling turkey twizzlers at half price in the name of diversity and choice”

Last week I asked you for your captions to this picture.

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3193 days ago

Breaking News: Deluded Middle Class Lefties and Tory Toffs screw the plebs and Tesco in Shipston

An excited email arrives from my deluded lefty step mother Helen (sister of Tory Toff Sir George Young) – Stratford Council in Warwickshire has tonight thrown out plans for a big Tesco on the edge of Shipston-on-Stour. The unholy alliance of deluded Middle class lefties and the Tory Toffs has won.

And so there will no new jobs created for the plebs on the council estates. The residents of Shipston will continue to be served by two Co-ops that are not that cheap and have a limited choice as well as by the two butchers where the Tory Toffs and my dad can buy pheasant, quail, expensive lamb and pork and not care about paying over the odds because they can afford it. The plebs who were hoping for a place to get a wide choice of cheap Turkey twizzlers will be disappointed.

So no jobs and no choice of cheap turkey twizzlers for the plebs. No planning gain which would have created some affordable and rented housing for the plebs. The articulate middle class lefties and Tory Toffs have won the debate and can still choose which butcher to buy their quail from and life goes on. The Tory Toffs are naturally wicked and hate the poor. We all know that. The deluded Middle class lefties are tonight celebrating preserving the “community” and “diversity” of this small market town. But it is a community that many folks are financially excluded from. It is a diversity the plebs cannot afford to enjoy.

It has made my step mother very happy. That makes me happy. But it was the wrong result for those at the bottom of the heap. Capitalism could have assisted them. When capitalism is blocked to preserve the vested interests of those who are affluent it always makes the poor poorer.

As a non Guardian reader I am not meant to care about the plebs. That is meant to be the preserve of deluded middle class lefties. But in reality….

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3199 days ago

Guest Post: Robert Sutherland Smith on Tesco

Robert Sutherland Smith started his City career the year before I was born. He is, I think, 157 years old. He and I have worked together for almost eight years. at t1ps. He is my friend and he is a very funny and intelligent chap. He is now branching out to celebrate his 158th by doing some freelance writing over at TradingResearchPoint on FTSE 350 Income stocks. He is a great one for focussing on yield. He is also going to do a monthly column for me on this blog on the subject that really interests him, life on Hampstead Heath. I am sure we all look forward to “Pond Life” – I wonder if he will be swimming this weekend? RSS today looks at Tesco. Neigh… Yes he does.

Tesco (TSCO) remains Britain’s favoured food retailer. But, at least in stockmarket terms, it has for some time been suffering the outrageous fortune epitomised by the Bard himself in his phrase about troubles when they come, coming not as single spies but in battalions. Just as we were adjusting ourselves to the company overcoming the problems of Christmas past (I refer to the trouncing they took at the hands of Sainsbury and Morrison’s in the trading period Christmas 2011) Tesco is hit by a horse burger scandal. I love the brutal market joke about what do you put on your Tesco burger? Answer; £5 each way!

Very clearly, given the importance attached to own brand retailing, the discovery that Tesco’s ‘everyday value’ beef burger was 29% horse and some pig – not Lord Emsworth’s ‘Empress’ I hope – is not without market significance

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3200 days ago

Friday Caption Contest sponsored by Tesco

There is only one story this week and we’d like to thank Tesco for not beefing about what follows. It provided the week’s best comedy.

To win a “It’s Time to Leave” T-shirt which in this period of intense global warming will be extremely useful, simply post your entries to the picture below.

You can, of course, buy your own It’s Time to Leave T-shirt, sweatshirt, hoodie, mug or thermos flask in my online store here.

My entry is:

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3202 days ago

The best Tesco jokes from Twitter today. No foaling.

Sitting at Real Man Pizza Company enjoying a great lunch, clearly there is only story of the day to discuss.

No comment needed from me, the starter’s gun has been fired and we are off…

@davusp
Perhaps #Tesco is an abbreviation for Total Equine Sourcing Coldcuts and Offal?

@parvez08
At least there were no traces of Jockey found

@frankieboyle: A lot of people longing for the good old days when
#tesco burgers were made from cows’ arseholes, cocks and eyelids

@Lshaunwsutton
Had a burger last night, still got a bit between my teeth #horsemeat

@southerngooner
Stop trotting out these horse puns. I’ve seen the mane ones hundreds
of times, didn’t think they’d last furlong. N equestrians?

@MacBish67
Less far, more Shergar

@palinczuk
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says
‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’

@tagmcallister
Unexpected item in bagging area

@MarioBaloteLAD
#Tesco clearly taking “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse” a little
bit too seriously.

@CRAIGYJ1986
“Can’t believe that woman was sent to hospital after eating a horse
meat burger… Her condition is said to be stable”

@Ladbrokes
We’re going 500/1 that a burger wins The Grand National this year……

@nickschofield1
I was a bit worried so I went to the freezer to check my Tesco
burgers, and….THEY’RE OFF.

@boobygraffoe
#horsemeat in burgers? That’s cruel. Horses should be where they
belong: On a racecourse, being whipped by midgets.

@J_CartwrightNOT
Horse meat in burgers? All part of a stable diet.. #tesco

@paullewismoney

I tried a #tesco ‘beef’burger and thought the going was a bit soft – been nagging me ever since.

@badassday

Hang on…… Twitter is awash with “missing dog” tweets, and Tesco burgers. Coincidence?

@TomSorbie: Forget the horse burgers, you want to try the
meatballs….. They’re the dog bollocks!!!

@joaniwalshi
They found dog DNA in those #tesco burgers as well, didn’t they…
Every Little Yelps.

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3202 days ago

Tesco and its horse meat burgers – what’s the fuss?

And so it emerges that cheap Tesco burgers contain horsemeat (up to 29% in some cases), the company grovels and withdraws the product line and everyone is horrified. What is the fuss? It is not as if the hundreds of thousands of customers who have already munched their way through grilled Shergar have actually noticed or complained.

The highly processed junk food that most Britons buy in supermarkets bears so little relation in taste to what it is meant to be thanks to the addition of vast amounts of chemicals, flavourings and preservatives that you could probably serve up dog, cat, horse, or fox as part of the end product and no-one would be any the wiser. By the time folks have added vast amounts of equally artificial sauces you could probably chuck in a bit of cardboard as well and it would make no difference. I am almost surprised at the idea that a cheap burger priced for chavs in a supermarket contains any beef at all. I had assumed it was all off cuts, innards and chemicals and frankly it makes no odds what animal they come from.

Horse meat tastes fine as a dish. It is not that different from beef. In the same way that guinea pig meat tastes, when prepared normally, pretty much like chicken but just a bit better. But most of our fellow citizens have not actually ever seen an animal killed for food. And so they have a vague notion that somewhere along the line cows or sheep are bumped off and end up in Tesco’s and this is okay but the idea of eating my sweet little pony, a fluffy guinea pig or what the RSPCA terms one of Britain’s favourite mammals, cute little foxy woxy, is seen as a sort of crime against society.

Britain’s urban mass consumers of junk food want a cheap product that tastes like “meat” – had the company branded its product “meat burgers” no-one would have noticed and it could have carried on flogging the line for years with the customers gorging happily and not having to associate eating meat with the idea of killing animals. If folks want something that tastes really good they need to venture along the food chain and a bit closer to the abattoir’s knife and accept that what they were eating was not that long ago a living breathing creature.

The more I think about it the more I have a desire to eat guinea pig once again. Perhaps I could buy some Tesco chicken nuggets and just hope that I get lucky or maybe a visit to the pet shop is in order. I imagine that the RSPCA would try to prosecute me but it really is a very tasty dish indeed.

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3203 days ago

Mothercare: No Raison d’etre – sell

The Christmas trading reports from the retailers do not make for pretty reading. There are some who simply cite consumer confidence (or lack of it) in austerity Britain. But I would suggest that there are far wider structural changes afoot, ones that make me wonder if some companies really have a raison d’etre at all going forward. If it did not exist already would anyone bother to establish Mothercare (MTC)? Somehow I rather doubt it. Certainly when it publishes its Christmas trading statement on Thursday it will be grim.

Of course not all retailers are doing badly. Before turning to Mothercare’s woes it is perhaps worth looking at Tesco (TSCO) in that its relative success is one of the reasons for the failure of others

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3208 days ago

Jessops Bust – Who is next? How can you make money from it?

Camera store chain Jessops is appointing an administrator as it is effectively bust. What caused this privately owned firm to go under and who is next? As it happens I bought a camera from Jessops just before Christmas and as I did so I wondered why on earth this store existed in the first place. That should not detract from the issues the entire High Street faces.

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