49 days ago
It was January 5 and a notice came up on Facebook. And so I remembered. It would have been the 20th Birthday of my morbidly obese three-legged cat Oakley. His Facebook page where devotees could watch him in action is still live even if he is not.
434 days ago
My three year old son cannot get enough of Christmas, the tree came in from the cold yesterday and as we unpacked the decorations we found the Santa hat that used to belong to the late Oakley…
500 days ago
The Jungle is where we told my young son Joshua that his beloved three legged cat Oakley had gone when he er.. went to a better place. There Oakley plays with the lions and tigers and is happy. But, rather confusingly for Joshua, there is, or was, another jungle here at the Welsh Hovel.
671 days ago
Since the sad demise of my once morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley late last summer, my two year old son Joshua has not stopped talking about his friend who used to sleep by his cot, keeping watch every night. Our old house in Bristol is “Oakley’s House” and while you and I know that the old boy lies at rest next to the body of Kitosh and across the yard from that of his long time companion Tara who is under the rhubarb, Joshua and his mother and I have agreed that the three legged one has “gone to the jungle” where he is happy. But there is a gap in all of our lives anmd so yesterday we told Joshua we had a treat.
763 days ago
I have noted before, how the cat belong to my next door neighbours, the Chav family, has been sitting in the flower bed next to our back door, fleeing her own house where there is now a very bouncy young dog. With the Mrs away, Joshua and I have now re-opened the cat flap used by the late Oakley and are providing food.. our cunning plan is now working well.
853 days ago
You may remember my joy this summer when my old friend the black and white cat, to whom I had given milk as a kitten, wandered by with her two kittens. Brace yourself this is not a happy tale.
890 days ago
The lady at the vet called during last week and in a very sweet and sympathetic manner said that the ashes of the King of cats, the late Oakley, were ready for collection. And so on Saturday morning I drove to the cat hospital and said who I was and why I was there. "Would you like to settle your account before collecting?" said a mean faced old shrew. It was not a question.
897 days ago
Amid a flurry of calls on various matters including an invitation to meet the new Headmaster at Warwick School tomorrow to discuss Geoffrey Eve and another abuser from the "good old days" - a matter on which I have received shocking new information overnight- I have received a call from the vets. The ashes of the King of Cats, Oakley, are in an urn and ready for collection.
902 days ago
Following on from the photos accompanying the obituary earlier this week, the Mrs offers up three more examples of classic Oakley, the King of cats. In the first he is still playful in his final year, in the second he shows his, rightful, contempt for Peppa Pig which engrosses Joshua and Paddington and finally he is simply majestic is he not?
904 days ago
I start with a few thoughts on just how wonderful it is up here at the Greek Hovel, truly it is peaceful and heavenly. Then a thank you for your kind emails and comments on poor Oakley. Then this podcast takes an in depth look at Telit (TCM), run by insider dealer Yosi Fait, after its interims yesterday and at Tesla (TSLA) run by nutso market abuser Elon Musk after his latest outburst.
905 days ago
As if the Mrs has not suffered enough during the past five years, today she has the unenviable task of explaining to our, almost, two year old son Joshua why, when they arrive back in Bristol there will be no Oakley to greet them. For yesterday afternoon, Oakley went to a better place.
914 days ago
Shall we start with the good news, the bad news or more good news? Well let’s start with Oakley, my once morbidly obese but now painfully think three legged cat who is back in Bristol. While we are away we have a professional cat minder Tim , a bearded young man who sends us photos of him and Oakley nuzzling up together and looking happy, hence his name, the “cat molester.”
932 days ago
Last week I reported on how the, once morbidly obese, three legged cat Oakley had lost 1 kg since April and was in a bad way. It got worse on Friday when the vet suggested that it might be cancer of the stomach but the only way to find out was to do a biopsy which would require an anaesthetic which may well polish him off. Oakley was only nibbling at titbits of smoked salmon, honey glazed ham and other treats and we had a long discussion about quality of life and er..you know what.
939 days ago
It was not that long ago that my three legged cat Oakley tipped the scales at over 6 kg and was, rightly, described as morbidly obese. The vet warned us that he must diet. It is so very different now.
990 days ago
Yes, today's training session for my Woodlarks charity walk is down at the gym run by local Tory stalwart Perry. Everyone else there is a muscular body builder. Then there is me. As the muscle men laugh at my pathetic efforts please donate a tenner ( as 95% of you have failed to do) to the 32 mile 28 July charity walk HERE. In the podcast I discuss rescuing junk mail from Oakley's piss and netting £922.77, Audioboom (BOOM) - do the maths, its looking dire even post placing for free speech denying worm Rob Proctor, Feedback (FDBK), Avanti Communications (AVN) and Inmarsat (ISAT), Jim Mellon's Fast Forward (FFWD), LightwaverRF (LWRF), PCGE (PCGE) and AIQ (AIQ).
1037 days ago
Our excellent hipster cat sitter sends photos of Oakley to demonstrate how well the old boy is doing in our absence. But as you can see what they really show is what a tart our cat has always been. A bit of food or chin tickling and old fishy breath is keen to kiss.
1131 days ago
We have not really fallen out but I have had to rebuke the old man sternly. I am staying with him in Shipston to start recording his memoirs which are actually really very interesting, not so much the later life but the years 1938 to 1956. I am not sure what I will do with the recordings but they are part of my family history but also an interesting insight into the war years in so many ways. We have hanged British Nazis, my grandfather, Sir John Winnifrith, in Churchill's bunker, evacuation with the nanny, Mrs No Cow and much more to preserve for posterity.
1144 days ago
In today's podcast I reflect oin how good it is to be back at home with my son and heir Joshua causing me sleep deprivation and Oakley the cat pissing on the doorstep. I end with my battles with Bath Spa which continue but I have an invitation which would allow me to go National on it if BS does not do the right thing. I explain this. The meat of the podcast covers MySquar (MYSQ) - the fraudtsers - and Julie Meyer MBE, Mothercare (MTC), Conroy Gold (CGNR) and Prospex Oil & Gas (PXOG). Finally I have a question or two for Fishing Republic (FISH) about its acting CEO
1177 days ago
Of course poor Tara, the lifelong companion of my three legged cat Oakley is now at peace underneath the rhubarb plant. But this friendly soul sitting near Miranda's in Kambos is her doppleganger.
1207 days ago
My three legged cat Oakley is getting old and so now needs a check up every three or four months. The vet is about 400 yards away but Oakley still weighs almost 4 KG so this time he travelled in style as you can see below.
1261 days ago
It is hard to believe but on Saturday my son Joshua turns one. And s a treat for both of us my mother-in-law is coming to stay for four days, a truly long weekend. Yesterday he stood up for 14 seconds without assistance, he says a few words, plays with Oakley and in Greece went sea swimming for the first time. As for the pool, as you can see below, he is a natch...
1296 days ago
If you do not follow my financial writings you will not be aware of the Telit PLC scandal which I broke yesterday. This is a big high profile stockmarket listed company and what I revealed HERE was just amazing. Jaw dropping. The shares have duly crashed.
1332 days ago
Another one off - this time recorded with my three legged cat Oakley. I am so angry. I touch on MySquar (MYSQ) and what it says about the AIM Casino as a follow up to today's pieces HERE and HERE. But the main focus is on events at Magnolia Petroleum. I give chapter and verse on why CEO Rita should have been fired and what it says about the AIM cesspit that she was not. I discuss today's deal which saves her and expaian why it will not save Magnolia (MAGP). I give your hard data on its impact on cashflows and on the balance sheet. This POS is toast but Rita and her Nomad make me want to barf.
1334 days ago
Until ten minutes ago the the Mrs clearly thought that I am a wimp and that man flu is a made up disease by those trying to evade nappie changing. Au contraire.
1336 days ago
I never thought that I'd be revelling in changing nappies, watching a baby throw his food everywhere and all the other joys of motherhood n the months leading up to my 50th birthday but I am loving it. The Mrs is away for a few days "working" and returns to full time work in ten days, in as much as that is not a contradiction in terms in the public sector and especially on liberal arts campuses. And so, right now I am the sole carer for nine months old Joshua and in ten days time I will become the primary carer. I am such a fucking feminist - I am almost tempted to chuck in work altogether and then go for a divorce taking the Mrs to the cleaners saying that I had to quit my job to look after Joshua. Only kidding.
1345 days ago
I am pretty much finished here in Greece as I explain in the podcast. And as such I start the journey home tomorrow to spend time in sun-drenched England with the Mrs, Joshua and - of course - Oakley, my utterly pampered three legged cat who is, I gather, now being given iced water to cope with the heat. In this podcast I look at Barclays (BARC), the SFO and the nature of fraud. I look at Thor Mining (THR) where events disgust me and at Ariana Resources (AAU) where I am dissapointed and less accepting than Nigel Somerville is.
1349 days ago
I think the last dripping in sweat, post frigana chopping selfie photo was not very flattering. Apparently some of you think that i have multiple chins. Au contraire. That was just the angle. I have not commented on my trouser size for a while but since we are on the subject...
1355 days ago
Okay, as a proud father I am biased, but this photo below is rather sweet is it not? You are always warned that cats might react badly to a baby. I had no worries about my, no longer morbidly obese, three legged cat Oakley. There is not an ounce of jealousy in his body.
1369 days ago
The plants the Mrs and I have planted in our back garden have almost all suffered death by cat defecation. That is to say my fat, though no longer morbidly obese, three legged cat Oakley hads shat them into oblivion. And so during my brief UK visit I have led a drive to re-plant. To complete that task the Mrs, Joshua and I headed to a garden centre here in Bristol today. Before stopping to pick up a few herbs (me0 and some flowers (the Mrs) we sat enjoying an expensive coffee and watched the masses head by.
1372 days ago
I am back in Bristol for a few days and was wandering back from lunch with Joshua when we happened to pass the Conservative Club. The door was open and i was conscious that I needed to renew my father's membership. Though not a Tory, or indeed a Bristol resident, he likes the idea of being able to access cheep beer at a place not far from our house.
1405 days ago
It has taken the older generation a few days to get our respective accounts working but tonight the Mrs and I finally managed a skype call, for the rest of the family are not joining me here in Greece for another couple of weeks. And by "rest of the family" I mean it: the mother in law is coming too. But that treat is for another day.
1421 days ago
Day 2 of my battle to tackle type 2 diabetes showed just exactly why there was no way I could do so without shoving my keyboard in a cupboard and changing every aspect of my life. I had to go to London to do some expert witness business for a friend. So it was all on board the 4.47 AM having done a very early morning blood test which came out at 11.7 down from 15.3 the night before. I know that post fasting measures will be lower but even so: I was told those new zappo pills would work fast!
1435 days ago
Those of us who are hip trendsetters and thus watch Midsomer Murders (think Graham Norton, Mr & Mrs Adam Reynolds and myself) will remember the battle that the second Inspector Barnaby has with his Mrs as to what will be the first word that their baby says. "Mummy" she repeats often as she states at her daughter."Daddy" says the Inspector again and again. Natch, her first word is Dog, for we all know that - until his retirement - the star of the show was Sykes.
1456 days ago
An early bearcast as, much to the dread of my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley, we are about to suffer an invasion of the working classes. Of course praising my work was not the biggest sin of Plutus Powergen (PPG), that was its oink on rebasing of options and bonuses. But now it has a bigger problem, OFGEM and I reckon it has every reason to be worried. Then I look at 88 Energy (88E) suspended in Oz but not on AIM ahead of a placing. Then it is on to Amur (AMC) again and to Avanti Coms (AVN) whose shares are just 14,5p. That is 14.5p too high. Finally a long look at changes in retail and what that means for us all. That is based on a Wolf Street article HERE. I also refer to the series I am running on my 1970s childhood in rural Northants HERE. Gosh the world changes rapidly.
1463 days ago
When it looks like placing ahoy, sounds like placing ahoy and smells like it is placing ahoy it usually is placing ahoy. I look at the numbers for Corero (CNS) and Amur Minerals (AMC). In this podcast threatened by the greed of morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley, I also cover NCC Group (NCC) following up from yesterday's late in the day article, Advanced Oncotherapy (AVO) Beowiulf (BEM) and TrakM8 (TRAK). I also look at the laughable PR of worthless crap company Fitbug (FITB). There is a stand alone bearcast on the joke news from Servision (SEV) HERE
1464 days ago
16 hours travel after getting up at 4 AM GMT on Monday and falling into bed at 3 AM Tuesday leaves me a tired man. And Joshua and Oakley both chirped up to make it worse still. So apologies to all bar one of those who I have snapped at today. Before I go to bed I look in detail at Grafenia (GRA) and compare it to TrakM8 (TRAK) and also comment on North River Resources (NRRP) and Jiasen (JSI).
1478 days ago
If there is one thing that my morbidly obese three legged cat hates more than the working classes it is the sound of them at work. Switch on a hoover and he knows that it is the Polish cleaning ladies. Switch on a drill and he knows that it is a little man the Mrs has called in to do some little job for her.
1505 days ago
Oakley is about to be petrified as the working classes are arriving. He fears them greatly. He fears hoovers even more. But ahead of that I record quickly. Today I cover Darren's bogus religion of global warming and Ariana (AAU) - the market has this wrong - Cobham (COB) - what ia kitchen sink - my dream St Valentine's Day massacre involving three listed companies which could all go bust on February 14. Please God! I also look at PCG Entertainment (PCGE) and its news today. Hats off to my friend comrade Richard Poulden. I also chide young Steve for not giving credit where credit is due to Majestic Wine (MJW) and have a few words about Aidan Earley. I thank him publicly on one matter although a lawyers letter has been received.
1508 days ago
It was Oakley's birthday last week. Thank you to those who left messages for him on his facebook page. He is now fifteen. But I need to record that he is now starting to behave very badly indeed.
1514 days ago
I admit that i am too lazy when it comes to reading report and accounts. I should be more of a geek like Steve Moore. In today's podcast I explain why my sloth is a sin and why we should all read from the back to the front. I also look at investment versus trading, Sirius (SXX) vs Cloudtag (CTAG). Other companies mentioned include African Potash (AFPO), Inspirit (INSP) and Strat Aero (AERO). I am now offline as I tidy up the mess created by Oakley and the different mess created by me before the Mrs and Joshua return home.
1538 days ago
It was in the summer of 2015, I think, that I made the acquaintance of a feral kitten at the Greek Hovel. The timid little thing was terrified of humans but I managed to persuade it to take a few saucers of milk. I did so because I love cats and who cannot love a sweet little kitten? I also thought how much it looked like Kitosh, pictured, the cat I owned before Oakley. And there was self interest at play as well.
1547 days ago
As you may remember, the Mrs forced me to go to a chavtastic shop called The Range to purchase a Christmas hat for our morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley. It appears to be part of a cunning plan for home made Christmas cards. How very spiritual.
1551 days ago
Young Joshua will be roughly 14 weeks old on Christmas day. And so he will not know or care what is going on as long as he is fed and has his nappy changed and stays warm. So I could give him all the tea in China or absolutely nothing and it would really make no impact at all on him. As it happens various caring grandparents and others have already ensured that he has been swamped with clothes and presents for which we are grateful.
No doubt in a couple of years Joshua will, like nearly every other kid in Britain, be caught up in the consumerist and materialist spendfest
1555 days ago
I start with the urgent matter of the weight of my three legged cat Oakley and I take stern warnings from health guru Paul Scott. But there are problems to deal with which the guru may not appreciate. Then I comment again on African Potash (AFPO) which has suffered the usual fate of those PLCs who threaten me with fascist lawyers' letters. Then I work my through Senterra (SEN), Mitie (MTO), China Africa (CAF), Arria (NLG), Instem (INS) and LXB retail (LXB).
1556 days ago
Not only does the Mrs insist that I need to buy a Christmas hat for our morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley but she then tasked me with making the purchase. And thus I found myself in a store called The Range which is a consumerist paradise for poor people with no taste whatsoever. You want a masturbating Christmas gnome for your garden? This is the place to get it. Ghastly Christmas decorations utterly unrelated to the nativity in 15 shades of gold and silver for your council flat are what you crave. Come along to The Range and you will be spoiled for choice.
1577 days ago
I must rush as my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley says he is starving and I have an appointment with the quack. On the agenda: Proteome (PRM), Turbo Power (TPS), IGAS ( ZERO) and Mkango (MKA)
1590 days ago
The Mrs is staying with the mother in law for another day meaning more peace and quiet for myself and Oakley and another day not to tidy up various messes that have been created. What bliss. In the podcast I discuss Kefi (KEFI), some very serious questions for the scam Highlands Natural Resources (HNR), Magnolia Petroleum (MAGP) and placing ahoy Strat Aero (AERO) as well as Boohoo (BOO) anj Asos (ASC)
1601 days ago
I am the main shopper in this household, spinning down to the local Sainsbury once a week to provide for myself, the Mrs, Joshua and, most importantly of all, my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley. I work with a mental shopping list and wander around in track suit bottoms to blend in with my fellow shoppers. I plod slowly trying to take in the full horror of life in modern Britain. It is addictive but each week I return to then emerge in ever greater despair.
1610 days ago
A couple of midwifes have just visited the Mrs and the 13 day old baby with no name. As I heard the latter screaming I thought I should head upstairs to see what was going on. I am, as you know, a supportive progressive partner if not an outright feminist.
1615 days ago
On today's bearcast I look at Jiasen (JSI) but have to speak quietly since Oakley may get the wrong idea when I discuss a dead cat bounce. I also cover Xtract Resources (XTR), Obtala (OBT), Corero (CNS), Toople (TOOP), GCM Resources (GCM) and in some detail LGO Energy (LGO)
1621 days ago
Actually I call the baby Patrick as I fear that in 40 days time when he is registered he will have another name so I shall enjoy Patrick while I can. In his first night on this planet at the hospital he was an angel. Other babies bawled he did not. However, one night does not make a lifetime.
1625 days ago
Like Labour front bencher Emily Thornberry, our morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley is terrified of actually meeting a member of the working classes. Thus when a man fixing the bathroom wanders in or the cleaners arrive, as soon as they start speaking Polish he bolts and hides. Maybe Oakley is a racist and does not like Poles? Actually It is not that they are speaking Polish as on the odd occassion we have found Brits who will eschew welfare to work for £12 an hour, he also runs, especially when he hears a hoover revving up.
It is not that he is scared of people.
1627 days ago
Once again the Mrs and I tried to assemble the cot yesterday afternoon. It ended with me swearing and she insisting that I was not celebrating the impending birth and bursting into tears. I am really excited by what is happening but not by trying to make this ffing cot. We agreed to try again later.
At about 4 AM today
1636 days ago
Given that she is due to give birth to our son in nine days time I might just forgive her but the Mrs is pushing her luck.
Among the very few possessions of mine that are allowed in the house as opposed to the garage are a signed and framed Mark Cavendish shirt which, given what team it is from, is actually quite rare and a framed and signed Geoff Hurst 1966
1660 days ago
When the Mrs and I are away her cousin, Johnny the Junior Doctor, looks after our cat Oakley. Being a greedy junior doctor Johnny is awash with cash and thus, rashly bet me a pint of beer that we would vote against Brexit. Fair dues, Johnny popped by yesterday to pay up. His next gig is going to be in the Shetland Islands and when up there the other day he bought me a bottle of the Northernmost brewed beer in the UK. Valhalla beer tastes like an ash tray but after almost six months off the weed that brought back happy memories.
1661 days ago
Who described me as evil today? A lazy thieving welfare scrounger ( i.e.a Scouser), an inbred chav with a low IQ (ie someone from the Isle of Wight) or the dumbest of them all, a Glenwick (GWIK) shareholder? I pissed off scousers on an industrial scale HERE,, the inbreds HERE and the uber morons on the Glenwick shareholder list HERE. I discuss this all in today's podcast. Then it is onto IGAS and the other UK shale plays which are all racing ahead today. Then to TrakM8 (TRAK) and Aureus (AUE) before my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley intervenes in a very audible manner to remind us all of what really matters today.
1668 days ago
Our friend M popped by last night for an amazing supper prepared by yours truly. The roast chicken stuffed with lemon and ginger really was superb. I would be modest about my culinary skills but it is hard to find anything to be modest about. The strawberry and dessert gooseberry crumble was almost magical. It was almost a perfect 10. I digress. M has in the space of seven days become addicted to Pokemon.
1686 days ago
Oh no, Wildes is going to have to report me to the FCA once again for market abuse in awarding the prize, a signed photo of Oakley, to myself. This contest was on my mind following news that once again a "foreign cat" has entered the house through Oakley's cat flap. What would Farage say? "These Bulgarian cats get everywhere, political correctness gone mad...mine's a pint." Anyhow the winning entry - from the many submitted HERE - to the photo below is from me and is:
1691 days ago
As I mentioned at some stage last week my step mother is keen that fruit from the garden in Shipston does not go to waste. And so I returned home for an all too brief weekend in Bristol with a punnet of gooseberries that I had picked. Oakley's friend Tara was buried beneath the rhubarb earlier this year and, I apologise if you regard this as tasteless but it had come up amazingly.
1703 days ago
Who would believe that the fine cat below is the same species as my morbidly obese three legged moggie Oakley. The latter, for some reason, has a deep aversion to the working classes and so when middle class folk arrive he is uber-friendly. When tradesman arrive it is rather different. Right now plumbers are installing a new bathroom for the Mrs and Oakley is spending his entire working day cowering under the duvet in the top bedroom.
Back here in the Greek mountains
1714 days ago
It appears that in our absence, Oakley's cat sitter junior doctor Johnny has done his best to watch TV with the morbidly obese three legged cat. First it was Nigel Farage, Oakley was attentive but naturally he is an "outer" already.
Then it was the football.
1715 days ago
I, Tom Winnifrith, may be in Greece and have voted anyway so what about those yet to vote such as my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley? Oakley scored last night's Boris vs the three witches contest as a win for Brexit but what about Farage's showing earlier in the week. The best caption for the picture below wins a signed photo from Oakley. The deadline is midnight tonight (Friday). Post away in the comments section.
1725 days ago
For some reason I awoke early this morning. It is probably the knowledge that the Mrs lands at 11.30 Greek Time and so I have a fair bit of scribbling to do to ensure that you get your daily dose of golden prose and poisonous malice. As is my wont I threw open the front door ahead of doing to an olive tree what only a man can do. With a speed my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley could not even contemplate a small cat shot past me.
1748 days ago
Snake hill is a stretch of, very rough and multi-potholed, concrete that tracks down from the quiet olive groves on my side of the valley to the valley floor. It ends at the dry river where the track once again turns to mud for a couple of hundred yards before one takes a sharp left to head up the concreted track next to the deserted monastery where, when driving at night, I still imagine the presence of ghostly phantom monks.
Snake hill got its name two years ago when my guest that summer made the grave mistake of going for a run in the midday heat and encountered a serpent sitting on the hill. She sidestepped the viper but the hill got its name.
Ever since then I have been waiting to see another snake there. I have seen plenty of lizards and heard lots of rustling in the bushes on either side of the road but not seen a snake. But today: two!
1764 days ago
This podcast contains bad language, please be warned. There are a couple of Isle of Man related issue and I then move onto: Snoozebox (ZZZ), Outsourcery (TOAST), Cambian (CMBN), Cobham (COB), earnings visibility and consumer spending patterns, Paul Scott, Nyota (NYO), Carpetright (CPR), Austin Reed and Falcon Acquisitions (FAL).
1772 days ago
You may say that Oakley's latest deposit and Teather's Financial (TEA) have a lot in common. I cover both in this podcast apologising and dishing out blame for the latter at least. I also cover 88 Energy (88E) and Great Western Mining (GWMO) which is also a total piece of Turkish. I look at Tertiary Minerals (TYM) and also cover PGC Entertainment (PGCE).
1774 days ago
It was 3PM and no articles had appeared on either site. last week I think I was averaging eight or nine a day and, so having filed only a handful yesterday, the complete lack of material was startting to ring alarm bells back in Clerkenwell. But Darren's texts went unanswered.
I truly feel rotten.
1784 days ago
If a I yawn a bit it is because the Mrs was away last night so I stayed up late watching a great Dan Snow programme about the vikings. I digress. I start with Gary Newman and Waz Shakoor vs Metal Tiger (MTR). Then it is on to Pathfinder Minerals (PFP), Greatland Gold (GGP) - it looks wrong to me - Bonmarche (BON), Edenville (EDL), Milamber Ventures (MLVP), Strat Aero (AERO) and once again Ascent (AST) where management are now reaping what they sowed. Oh, and we have some exciting news on www.UKInvestorshow - Ho, ho, ho. The Oakley headline is explained in the podcast.
1795 days ago
When you are away for a short break what is the priority of the Mrs? It goes without saying that it is worrying about how our morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley is doing.
Is he alright? Is he
1807 days ago
At last I can speak again for reasons I explain in the podcast. Then it is onto Circle Oil (COP), Coms (COMS), Totally (TLY), Stellar Diamonds (STEL) and Concha (CHA). And that is it for me now to bed with Oakley as I am still in a bit of pain.
1821 days ago
I shall not curse West Ham by going to watch the match tonight at The Conservative Club but for Striebs and others I am aware what is happening. Instead I shall be watching the new series of Grantchester with the Mrs and Oakley and I recommend it to one and all. I look at the latest Horse Shite ramp from David "I am incapable of telling the truth" Lenigas and flag up a placing rumour at UK Oil & Gas (UKOG) and also Regency Mines (REG). I look at the Pathfinder (PFP) disaster in detail and at Driver (DRV) where the curse of Steve "shagger" Norris strikes again. Madgascar Oil (MOIL) confirms that minority shareholders will be buggered and I look at the farce at Edenville (EDL). So that is three companies operating in Bongo Bongo land where PIs have been screwed today. Then there is a detailed look at games developer Frontier (FDEV) where the valuation is a rum and coke even after today's profits warning.
1829 days ago
Thank you for your kind messages about my late cat Tara. Today I record with morbidly obese three legged Oakley listening and try to get him excited with an imaginary ffing dog. Actually it is the Chris Oil of cats. I explain. I also look at Stanley Gibbons (SGI), the London Stock Exchange (LSE) and the first placing into the Horse Hill ramp - Evocutis (EVO). Next will be - I predict - Solo (SOLO). I also look at ISDX lobster pots and David Lenigas lies ref Afriag (AFRI).
1875 days ago
I forgot: belated many happy returns to my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley
It is only now that I logon to facebook for the first time in a week that an alert comes up. How could I forget? Oakley turned 15 on Tuesday. It is on his facebook page.
At least he has had a great week. The Mrs
1879 days ago
I am now back from New York and arrived in Bristol about an hour ago. 7 hours sleep, since Saturday at 11 AM your time, and I am cream crackered. And so I shall shortly be joining the Mrs and my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley in bed and going straight to sleep. Before that a bearcast covering BSD Crown (BSD), Inspirit (INSP), Evocutis (EVO), Scancell (SCLP) Motive TV (MTV) and the curent rumours surrounding 3 bent share tipsters and the FCA.
1895 days ago
There are again lavatorial issues with our two cats Chez Winnifrith. One of them has disgraced himself or herself with a deposit just inside the front door. But it is the season of goodwill and as you can see below my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley is taking it easy...
1912 days ago
The annual ritual is complete. The Mrs and I have photographed my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley in his Christmas hat and even Tara played her part posing in the hat and in a stocking. And thus our rather un-Christian cards are now in production. Awway from that I have a long look at Slater & Gordon (SGH) where the management has just allowed the bears a chance to sell even more shares. Jabba The Hutt stocks Solo (SOLO) and LGO Energy (LGO) get a mention as does Aureus Mining (AUE) with its hugely discounted placing. Alba (ALBA) is clearly lining up its next confetti issue and I comment on that as well as Blur (BLUR), Outsourcery (OUT), Wandisco (WAND), Plant Health Care (PHC), Gulf Keystone (GKP) and NAHL (NAH), Finally I commend the CEO of ValiRx (VAL) who attended Gold & Bears on Saturday and was incredibly poilite. Memo to TW. I will be less beastly to her in 2016.
1932 days ago
Naturally I start with the big news of the day - an update on the annual medical of my two cats Tara and Oakley. Then it is onto explaining who gets to define boring, spitefull and vendetta in terms of my earlier podcast on overvalued junk Uk Oil & Gas (UKOG). Then why Gary Newman is wrong on Plethora (PLE). Then onto Finnaust (FAM), Gulf Marine (GMS), Centaur Media (CAU) and POS Golden Saint Resources (GSR)
1956 days ago
Today's podcast finds me in a panic as Oakley and I need to do frantic tidying before the Mrs returns to cover our respective sins. Meanwhile Tara the cat is also misbehaving. On the agenda - the great unravels at LGO Energy (LGO) but more especially Tribal Group (TRB) - the latter getting a thorough analysis. Then it is onto JQW (JQW), Alba Minerals (ALba) and the Horse Hill/Horse Shite prospect and Michelmersh Brick (MBH) which leaves me confused, perhaps Chris Bailey of Financial Orbit is geekish enough to assist?
2024 days ago
And so Monday dragged on with Tara the cat refusing to eat or drink more than a few sips of water despite the £300 invested the prior day in seeking emergency treatment from the vet. By the evening we took matters into our own hands. The Mrs held poor Tara tight and I forced her mouth open and with a syringe (no needle) forced her (Tara not the Mrs) to drink some cat milk. She seemed to perk up a bit and was again allowed to sleep with us.
I was keen to slumber after a hard day in the private sector but the Mrs is now on her prolonged public sector funded summer vacation and so was keen to read a book on how capitalism causes global poverty or some such nonsense and so kept the light on. And that attracted a moth.
Oakley, our morbidly obese three legged cat, followed the little moth closely but was too lazy to do anything about it. But all of a sudden Tara was once again her old self,
2060 days ago
As an experiment I tried to upload this direct, rather than via Pizza Hardman Darren Atwater, but could not work out how to upload my photo so had to use an alternative. In today's podcast I look at Greece, China (the real story of the day), Sefton, Fitbug, Phorm, Stratmin Global and fat cats. Real fat cats like Oakley not fat cats like Sir Martin Sorrell.
And fear not Champagne Charlie Gibson fans, I had not forgotten about you. Just a reminder of why the Edison analyst is a convicted felon HERE and as a bonus a reminder of how it is not only the poor he screws HERE - and a reminder of why I feel the urge to remind you all HERE
2073 days ago
Thanks to @facebook forcing me to use my real name, I am now at more risk of rape and death threats. But enjoy flogging that data, guys.
Where to start?
2084 days ago
Tara was due a vets visit two weeks ago but cunningly broke out of the house, found some food and thus got a repreieve. The Mrs was not to be foiled again and so, on Thursday night, the thinner of our two cats was treated to a wet-food treat of a supper and then put on a strict regime. She and the morbidly obese three legged Oakley were locked up away from all food.
Friday morning came and the cats were in full cry. Sometimes in unison and sometimes in rotation they mewled and demanded food. But there was no relenting and at 8.30 Tara was put in her carrying box - which she hates - and bustled off to the vets. We need to discover why a cat that eats like a horse is so terribly thin. The results arrive on Tuesday.
Suffice to say that after her ordeal and Oakley's fasting, which he regarded as a breach of his basic human rights, both creatures have been spolied rotten by both of us.
2101 days ago
Ok rabble, it is the last day in Greece with the Mrs. She flies home to her true love (Oakley, the morbidly obese three legged cat) later and so this is just a short message on a day when the stockmarket is showing signs of true madness. Should we all give up being value investors and buy any old rubbish and go with the flow? No. It will end in tears. Inter alia I refer to Coms, Daniel Stewart, Scotgold, Kea Petroleum and the China bubble.
2125 days ago
Give the many admirers that my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley has (well Brokerman Dan at least) it is time that the old boy got into social media and so as of today his very own facebook page has gone live. If you want to "friend" the creature also known as Benefits Street, you can do so here
2127 days ago
I had a routine doctor’s appointment at 11 and was dreading it. “How much do you drink? Do you know smoking is bad for you?” “No doc, when I said a bottle I meant a day not a week and no is it? When did they find that out?” But I was spared this little treat by Oakley, my morbidly obese three legged cat who started screaming at 10.40 and then showed himself unable to walk. His sole back leg was just being dragged along the floor.
I thought back to the demise of poor Kitosh, my old cat who behaved in this way as
2128 days ago
I finally struggled back home to Bristol at 11 PM last night – 38 hours after leaving for London. I was greeted by two wailing cats, Tata and Oakley who guided me to where there food should have been. Cripes – the auto cat feeder had not worked.
Tara is think as a rake but eats like a horse. Oakley has three legs, is morbidly obese but is less greedy than his companion. He is just lazy. But both clearly felt aggrieved. I
2134 days ago
Oakley and Tara are terrified of her hoover but the cats know that even more frightening would be the wrath of the Mrs were she to arrive back next week and see the State of the house. Thank God the cleaning lady has arrived and like the German army sweeping through France in 1940 she has cleared away all evidence of our various transgressions. Only one challenge now remains.
2135 days ago
The Mrs. is still in India on work. Today she is visiting the house once inhabited by my great great grandfather Sir Courtney Ilbert in Shimla. It is now a luxury hotel. How nouveau. The result is that I am in residence with the cats who are in utter disgrace having caused me another day of living without trousers.
The house is perhaps not as tidy as it might be in normal times. With the Mrs. away it is back to a student routine of washing a plate before you eat rather than afterwards. I sense that before the Mrs. gets back I may be paying the cleaning lady to do a double shift to hide evidence of what myself and the cats have been up to in terms of housework. Or rather lack of it.
The cats are in disgrace.
2138 days ago
He sent me a string of lawyers letters but today Peter Landau lost his last AIM directorship as Black Mountain was booted off the casino. Hooray. Coke & Hookers for myself and Oakley tonight. I look at three other companies that may well go the same way, Insetco, Daniel Stewart and Gate Ventures and how the issue of Nomad resignation works. I also look at Advanced Oncotherapy, Torotrak and discuss when Uk Investor Show videos will start to appear - we will start very soon with a Horse Hill treat. PS You still have until 4.30 PM TODAY to enter the UK Investor Greek Hovel prize draw HERE
2164 days ago
The cats were hungry. Capitalist cat Tara is skinny but greedy because greed is good. Morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley is always hungry and they both let me know that after a hard day in bed they need food
2166 days ago
As part of the rebranding of the disgraced but now transformed Sefton Resources (SER) I can reveal that the company is now considering a name change and that one idea that has been considered is a variation on Oakley Oil & Gas.
2168 days ago
A younger wife means that I have to attend parties, something a man of my age should be dodging. Cocoa, slippers and a quiet night watching Midsomer Murders with Oakley, that is what I want on a Saturday evening, not a trip up to London for a party.
At least it will be recognised that I am an older man so I will be offered a seat in the corner where I can fall asleep as the young folk stand, chat and do whatever young folk do. Texting? Drugs? I just don’t know.
The hosts are among the least mad of the friends of the Mrs.
2170 days ago
The Mrs and I were away for the weekend and so were not able to file a couple of UKIP flyers that came through the door in an appropriate place. However my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley made his own political statement on top of them as you can see below.
Normally, when he opts to use the space where we once had a front doormat before he soiled it repeatedly as his inside lavatory, the Mrs – the woman formerly known as the deluded lefty - responds with an ASBO, that is to say locking him in the kitchen. But on this occasion she expressed a degree of pride and rewarded the old boy rather than punishing him.
Now let’s wait for the Labour flyers. I have had words with my capitalist cat Tara on how to deal with them
2174 days ago
No-one in this house will be voting UKIP and indeed our morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley has made a visible anti UKIP statement of which more later. But Nigel Farage is right on scrapping all race discrimination laws at work - indeed he should have gone further. The BBC's coverage of this here in Bristol is a total shocking disgrace paid for with my taxes and I am livid.
2187 days ago
The man at the hardware store in Kambos said there was no need to buy snake repellent canisters as they will not wake up till June and I’m back in May. I am not so sure about that as I distinctly remember meeting a snake on what is known as the snake veranda on my first visit to the hovel in April. But I did not argue, I said efharisto and shook his hand warmly.
2205 days ago
Once again apologies to any pervs who are disappointed having found this page via SEO. For the first time Tara ( the sleek but greedy cat) and the morbidly obese three legged Oakley are in action (or lack of it) together. As you can see Benefits Street when fully sprawled out takes up half a double bed. He thinks it is his bed. The Mrs and I used to think that it was ours.
2207 days ago
I guess some of you might have arrived at this page via google or whatever expecting something different. Sorry pervs, this is just another video of Tara, the lifelong friend of my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley. Unlike Benefits Street who will play up to the camera, Tara seems terrified of it. As I prepared to shoot she was waving her paws around for no apparent reason. The camera appears and she just stares at it - very sweet but more inaction than in action
2209 days ago
Tara, who makes her video debut below, may not be related to Oakley but the two have lived together for all of their 13 years. She may be sleek and slim but she is the capitalist cat. Oakley does nothing all day and is thus sometimes referred to as Benefits Street. Tara believes that Greed is Good and thus eats far more than Oakley either from her food bowl or by snacking on human food whenever she can grab it. I guess she has a higher metabolic rate than Oakley and she also takes plenty of exercise patrolling the garden.
I first met the two of them in the Isle of Man after the sudden death of my previous cat Kitosh. His ashes travelled with me in the years that followed and are now buried in a wooden cat shaped urn underneath a newly planted thyme bush at the bottom of our Garden in Brislington.
At the MSPCA sanctuary as I wandered along seeking a replacement for Kitosh the sweet young kittens grabbed all the attention. But in one cage there were two much older cats Tara and Oakley. Well I was told there were two. Oakley
2210 days ago
It strikes me that videos of my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley are now getting more views than some of the writers on ShareProphets. Perhaps I should fire a few of the scribes and just go into business with my cat? Maybe not. As Oakley is a 14 year old obese cancer survivor the actuaries would not rate this long term business model.
Oakley regards our marital bed as his own and gives me a dirty look when I intrude on him and the Mrs. Normally fishy breath snuggles up to the deluded lefty and gazes adoringly into her eyes. And she reciprocates and they talk about Coronation Street and other matters that concern folks from the Grim North. But if he hears my footsteps he heads off to the other end of the bed and plays all innocent.
And so as the public sector worker
2213 days ago
My morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley now tips the scales at 9 llbs and so is meant to be on a strict diet. I suspect that the Mrs has been helping him snack when I am away and they lie on the sofa watching Coonation Street together. Since the Mrs works in the public sector she is not an early riser and so I hand out breakfast to Oakley and the ultra slim Tara at c 8 AM. It is now 11.30 and Oakley reckons that he is starving and begs for more
2216 days ago
In response to popular demand (The Mrs, Mu, Darren, Martha and Brokerman Dan) I bring you a short video of my morbidly obese three legged cat Oakley taking his morning exercise and negotiating the (extra large) cat flap.
2218 days ago
The Mrs is away visiting her folks in the grim frozen Northern post-industrial wastelands and so it is just myself and the cats living a chaotic life here in Bristol. I am not sure the house is terribly tidy and my routine is shot to pieces and so at 6 PM I went up to bed for a nap with the cats but awoke with a start two hours later thanks to a shocking nightmare.
This rather startled the cats who were somewhat perturbed at the intrusion of a stranger in what they regard as their bed although it is in fact that in which the Mrs and I sleep.
As it happens I had two interviews at Oxford, one not quite as successful as the other. Like Evelyn Waugh I was rejected by Christchurch, The House, the college of the establishment and the thick aristocracy and also the college attended by most of my family. And like Evelyn Waugh, I ended up at Hertford, a modest and impoverished establishment rather looked down upon by House types for admitting women, Northerners and grammar school boys. I was thinking about those two interviews as I lay awake pondering my nightmare but the actual history is for another day.
Suffice to say that there is a tradition of great writers being rejected by the House only to end up at Herford.
Back to the nightmare. For some reason it appeared that my second Oxford interview has been unsuccessful as my first but somehow I had been offered a third bite at the cherry
2222 days ago
Oakley is somewhat in the doghouse after yet again leaving a deposit on the doormat and so today both he and his friend Tara are confined to the kitchen with myself. No run of house is allowed for either. But Oakley, who now weighs a disgraceful 9 llbs, has just three legs and is also known as Benefits Street becuase he dos nothing all day other than eat, sleep and watch trash TV with the Mrs, is the hero of the day.
For Oakley spotted another cat - almost as large as him wander into our garden. The normally fearless Tara did nothing. And so the old boy hopped off the sofa, hopped
2237 days ago
As you may know the Mrs has decreed that I cannot work in the house because I make it untidy, stop her having freedom to canoodle three legged cat Oakley, watch Coronation Street and “work” on Facebook, etc. And so I was consigned to the garage as my new study. As October turned to November I flagged up that the garage was a little on the nippy side.
And so for Christmas by biggest present was a radiator. I have until now managed to avoid using it and have happily worked away in the kitchen. The Mrs has this morning put her little feet down and so I am now in the garage. The radiator is blasting away against my left leg which is toasting nicely. My right leg is about surviving. But above the desk my fingers are freezing as I tap away. I suppose it keeps me awake. The Mrs is however almost quoting the blessed Margaret – of whom she strongly disapproves: “The lady is not for turning.”
Meanwhile as a birthday present I am to be allowed to give a lecture to the sociology students currently taught by the Mrs. These impressionable young people currently have their minds filled with all sorts of nonsense
2245 days ago
Christmas was a kids heavy zone for the Mrs and I, mine, nephews, god-children, the works. From 26th December to January 2nd there were the various noises children make everywhere in our lives. In a house which normally contains two quiet adults and two quiet cats it came as a bit of a shock. And then suddenly it was all over. The last children departed and the house was just still. It seemed almost surreal.
And now the only noises we hear are keyboards tapping away, West Wing DVDs in the evening and a vomiting cat. It is not Oakley the three legged creature known as Benefits Street. Having hidden under beds and duvets for almost a week to avoid being smothered with infantile embraces he is now back to his normal routine of sleeping for nearly all of the day in what was once known as the marital bed but what he now regards as his bed. Occasionally he makes an appearance downstairs for food or to watch the West Wing with us.
It is Tara who is making the noise. Thin as a rake and very feminine Tara is the capitalist cat. That is to say she thinks that “greed is good”. Which of course it is. But when she cannot rouse myself or the Mrs to provide here with more food plus some of her Christmas treats (cat nip biscuits or 2 calorie morsels known as Dreamies) she has taken to eating bits of the Christmas tree. And then being sick in a most demonstrative and noisy manner.
It breaks the silence.
2248 days ago
For some reason I dozed off between the end of Skyfall and the tome to go to midnight mass. As such when waking up on Christmas day the stockings of myself, the Mrs and the cats were opened in something of a rush. Santa clearly thought that we had all behaved well in 2014. Clearly he does not know about how Oakley, the three legged cat, likes weeing on the inside doormat. And thus we were all well rewarded and after a splendid breakfast cooked by yours truly we wandered off to St Cuthbert’s Brislington.
Built in 1933 this church could easily hold 350. As it was with the Mrs and I in attendance there were 15 in the congregation plus vicar and organist. It is not as if midnight mass at Brislington is packed – there cannot have been more than 35 in attendance in 2013. One fears that a couple of cold winters could see just the mrs, the Vicar and I attending Christmas day 2018. We were the youngest in the congregation by a long chalk: what is happening to the C of E?
It is just that Christmas has become one great big godless consumerfest celebrated across the world by folks of whatever background. My 13 year old daughter Olivia – deprived of the alternate Christmases promised by her mother Big Nose 10 years ago, has never once attended Church on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. That I rather regret.
The Mrs and I do not take communion as I am very much lapsed in my faith and the Mrs has grave doubts. But we try to think of what Christmas is about and it is not as the Radio DJs insist on saying “all about family and friends”. However much the PC brigade insist otherwise Christmas is about Jesus. The fact we celebrate this festival and the traditions involved are down to Jesus. We give each other presents because we are celebrating God giving us his only son, whether we regard that as fact, belief or fantasy. To deny the involvement of Jesus in Christmas seems fatuous to me.
The sermon was bland enough but at least this C of E vicar managed to resist the urge to pray for peace in Palestine, the C of E codewords for “all power to Hamas”. And with that
2255 days ago
Yesterday I posted my Christmas message in Greek to readers in Kambos. Today in English a message from myself, The Mrs and our two cats Tara and the three legged Oakley pictured below.
We all celebrate Christmas in different ways. For the Mrs and I it is a traditional day. Midnight Mass here in Bristol, perhaps with a swift sherry at the Conservative Club beforehand. It is on the way to Church after all!
And then stockings in the morning. Well I know she is getting one as she has been well behaved all year. I cook the duck and trimmings, presents, calls around the world to family and friends and then a collapse as we await Downton Abbey. It is on Boxing Day that the travel nightmare of family days starts with a Greek Christmas with the wife’s sister and Greek Husband in Hertfordshire. Goat followed by Christmas pudding.
For Oakley & Tara it is just even more food than usual and, yes, they have both been fairly well behaved and so get a stocking too.
Whatever you do, we all send you are best wishes for a Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.
2348 days ago
I had planned to stay sober until my return but I fear that I have been led astray. I blame OTE Telecom. I still cannot get on the interwebby at The Greek Hovel so spent all Sunday working from the Kouronis taverna in Kambos, run by lovely Eleni. At about 10 O’clock Greek Time I was done writing and asked for my bill. But instead I was summoned to the bar and asked to sit with four men.
Either side of me were two Gentlemen who spoke English. The younger (George) was a relative newcomer to the area, the elder (Nikos) is a greying stocky man with a walrus moustache. It was he who had cross words with me on my second day here when I supported the Krauts rather than the Argies in the football. Since then we have exchanged nothing but pleasantries. Behind Nikos was the man in the pink polo shirt (Vangelis) and behind George was another George, a Greek only speaking builder.
I was told “it is not will you have a drink but what are you drinking”. They were on the hard stuff and so I opted for ouzo. Nikos told me that they had decided they needed to know me better as I was now their neighbour.
They refused to let me pay and four hours later I was rather the worse for wear. Nikos was concerned about me biking home. He offered to drive me several times but since he was also a tad unsteady on his feet I declined
2366 days ago
The Mrs is back in Bristol already sending me photos of our cats Oakley (three legs) and Tara (four) who she is no doubt hugging to death and spoiling quite outrageously. I am sure that I shall do the same when I head back in a few weeks’ time.
I was delighted when the Mrs was here but it had two drawbacks. Without her I have slipped once again into my no alcohol and one or two Greek salads a day diet. With her I was drinking and eating rather more. And so my weight loss was arrested, in fact reversed a bit. Now I am in overdrive as I have just over three weeks to finish the frigana cutting and so am upping my manual labour rate accordingly.
The other drawback is that whilst my commercial writings (shares) continued almost every day, with the Mrs here I have no time for my personal writings. I enjoy my musings on life at The Greek Hovel far more than financial writing but know that those articles don’t pay the bills. And so I have an awful lot to catch up including two murders in our village of Kambos and my own detention at Kardimili police station. And
2371 days ago
As one leaves the small Mani town of Kardamili the road starts to climb steeply. On the edge of town there are a couple of fish restaurants, some slightly newer housing including the house that Paddy Leigh Fermor built for himself. My family stayed there once as my father knew Paddy – it just happened that this was the one family break to Greece that I did not go on.
Paddy left his house to the Greek State to turn into some sort of writing school. You would have thought that after a lifetime here he would have known better. It is slowly decaying, neglected by a State that, although bankrupt, can still afford to give anyone with a couple of olive trees an annual grant of 500 Euro.
The first of the fish restaurants as one heads up the hill is the favourite of the Mrs and I. The food is great, the wine flows, the waiters are friendly and efficient and the view over the cove below is magnificent.
On one side of the cove is a small working harbour used by fisherman. At night you can see the lights on the boats as they chug slowly home. A jetty provides a breakwater for the waves although nothing much happens o it other than bridal parties posing for photos. At the far end of the cove is a concrete jetty which is totally empty. If you have seen the film Before Midnight the final scene was filmed there as it became a seaside bar for just one night.
And so the other day we wandered down to the cove along a small road with not a human in sight.
2461 days ago
It was something about being untidy. Oh and loud conversations with Lucian Miers about the same “boring stuff.” Anyhow the Mrs has issued a diktat. My office is now in the garage rather than the kitchen or living room.
It is not so bad out here. The garage is effectively a storage room as it backs onto a grassy path which no-one uses. It is light and spacious although a good part of it is taken up housing possessions deemed surplus when combining the households of two folks who only hooked up twenty years into adult life. I think it might get a little cold in the winter and I might beg for a Yuletide transfer back into the house as the snow starts to fall.
But pro tem I am now banished to the garage. Oakley, my three legged cat may be next. He has again disgraced himself in the matter of his lavatorial habits and is currently suffering an ASBO, allowed only in the kitchen. I sense that any more transgressions could see him joining me in the garage.
2494 days ago
In the end the Mrs could bear it no longer and left a day early to secure the release from cat prison of her two “puddings” Tara and Oakley. For the last five days of the holiday it was “only four days to the puddings” and only “three days and 16 hours” to go.
Every time we ate in a restaurant and were inevitably surrounded by a bunch of scrawny Greek cats we would both throw them bits of food to ease the guilt of confining Tata and Oakley to cat prison. “Should we order an extra portion of whitebait just for the cats” we asked ourselves.
And so at ten am the doors will open at the cat prison. The Mrs will, having arrived back in Bristol at 1.30 AM, having been waiting impatiently outside for quite some time. The reunion will be joyful. I am expecting – and am happy to pay – a huge roaming phone bill – as text images of Tara and Oakley are sent over this morning. By 10.30 the cats will be back home, being pampered with treats and sitting with the Mrs as she catches up on two weeks of Coronation Street.
Did I mention that the Mrs is hooked on The Street? I really do not understand it at all. I guess it is something for those from the Grim North only.
2504 days ago
The Mrs booked our two cats, Tara and Oakley, into what seemed like a nice cat hostel before we left. We were told about how they would share a chalet and be well looked after and it would cost £15 a day. I shall not name the hostelry but suffice to say that they neglected to mention that it was VAT on top and then compulsory insurance (60p per day per cat) and then VAT on that. Oh and they charge for the day of drop off and the day of collection as well.
For providing a basic cell and 2 bowls of food a day per cat this is money for old rope. Okay the concentration camp has now had to take two calls in six days from the Mrs worrying if her “puddings” are alright. The Gauleiter says that they are and braces herself for another call next week.
But this makes me think that there is a great business opportunity out there. The most shared images on twitter and facebook are …cats. So how about this as a business plan?
I set up a cat hotel which offers not the thin prison blankets that poor Tara and Oakley were provided with before the Mrs intervened (the darlings are used to a duvet after all) but luxury rugs. We offer twice the space of a conventional hotel and all day heating not just at night-time. And we also fix a webcam in each luxury en-suite facility. And then we stream the pictures
2524 days ago
I have no idea what set him off but Oakley, my three legged cat, is in disgrace. Repeatedly he has been doing his ablutions not in the garden but on the first floor landing. He has been spoken to firmly and on a number of occasions but to no avail. The vet says we must not spank him and so we do not. But there is no alternative, an ASBO has been issued.
As such he is now confined to the kitchen where there is no carpet to tempt him and from where it is only a short hop to the garden. I think the problem is sheer laziness. All that Oakley does is sleep (historically under the duvet in the spare bedroom), eat (too much), drink and that is it. Not a lot goes through his brain because he is not a terribly intelligent beast. All in all he is ideally suited to become an investment analyst at Numis Securities.
From the bedroom the landing is s short hop, the garden involves going up and down the stairs and a long hop. So it is idleness that has caused the Anti-Social behaviour. In due course carpets will be replaced with floorboards and Oakley will once again be allowed the run of the house. But pro tem, and despite numerous mewlings and complaints, he must slumber in the kitchen on his West Ham blanket. The ASBO is being strictly enforced.
2527 days ago
Heck it is on twitter so it must be true. Apparently following an exchange of comments about Tom’s piece earlier today on POS stock Iofina (HERE) the headhunters have been instructed to approach Oakley (pictured below).
Oakley is the one on the right. Tara still thinks that if you slash forecasts you keep the target price unchanged so she should not be an analyst should she?
Does a new career as an analyst covering junk AIM stocks such as Iofina beckon for Oakley? Well at least he understands that if forecasts are changed then by definition the valuation of a stock must change. You don’t need to be FCA regulated to get that do you? Even if tara and certain others have not worked it out yet.
The tweet which unearthed this surprising news is below:
BREAKING NEWS: @TomWinnifrith's cat headhunted by broker Numis Securities
2535 days ago
Long time readers will know that I face a perennial battle with my weight. My scales are broken and so I am reduced to monitoring the great fight by trouser size. At my fat bastard peak I was a 44 inch waist (19 stone six). Awful. My fighting weight sees me in 32 inch waist trousers and at just over 14 stone – that is easily a normal Body Mass Index.
Being a real man I loathe shopping for clothes but reluctantly agreed with the Mrs that a new pair of black jeans was needed last week. I ventured into Top Man and nervously wondered what size to try on. 32 inches was not an option, I am aware that I have put on a few pounds. Rather timidly I tried on a 36. And they seemed to fit so I quickly invested £30 and scuttled out as fast as I could.
Five days into my Spartan, in sympathy with my obese three legged cat Oakley, diet and off the sauce it strikes me that the situation is not as bad as first feared. My trousers are falling down. That is the first bit of good news. The second is that I am rather enjoying being off the sauce, I am more productive and feel less tired. I am also avoiding my other great weakness, cheese. Carrots are not that bad really.
The bad news is that I must again trot along to Top Man and splash out another £30 as I am clearly a 34. At this rate a 32 beckons by the time I have completed some April walking in Greece.
As for Oakley…do not ask. He is really not taking this seriously at all.
2537 days ago
On Saturday I wore my London Irish shirt from my playing days, I suffered for 95 minutes which seemed like an eternity and I thanked God for agreeing to my suggestion that West Ham lose but Ireland triumph. Today I am asked to celebrate St Patrick’s Day but I will not do so.
For this day is a day when the whole world becomes Irish, hundreds of thousands don ghastly fake leprechaun hats and everyone gets drunk. By midnight the streets of Britain will be littered with discarded fake leprechaun hats, piles of vomit and folks collapsed on the street singing Swing Low Sweet Chariots as they remember who they really are. St Patrick would no doubt be truly honoured.
Party of my Irish ancestry comes from the Mathew family who were great temperance campaigners. The last of the line (named after its founder) died of an alcohol related illness some years ago. I cannot say that I am a man of temperance, quite the opposite.
But as it happens I have made an agreement with my three legged cat Oakley. The vet suggests that, especially has he only has three legs with which to support his body mass, he is a little plump. In fact I think the word she used was obese. So Oakley is on the low fat Iams and is being forced to take some exercise. In sympathy I have been off the sauce since Friday and am also on a Spartan diet. The Mrs reckons, not unfairly, that I could do with losing a few pounds and so Oakley and I are suffering together. As such I have enjoyed three days of complete sobriety which is all rather a shock to the system.
I digress. The wholly commercial exercise that is St Patrick’s Day is not something I shall take part in. On any other day of the year I’ll happily sink a pint of Guinness at the drop of a hat. But today, I will as I now do every year, give the whole thing a complete miss.
2546 days ago
My poor cats, they must be getting culturally confused. Tara & Oakley were born in the Isle of Man although like 99% of Manx Cats they have full tails. Rescued by me from the MSPCA they then came over to England with me but having to watch me heaping abuse on England whenever the rugby is on. So are we Irish daddy?
Of course on Sunday they will suffer extra confusion as this household stands shoulder to shoulder with our Celtic brothers in Wales. Come on the sheep shaggers please put the old enemy to the sword. Humiliate them!
But the confusion gets worse for in taking them to a new vet for their booster jabs the Mrs made the appointment. Being a deluded lefty, the Mrs is not Mrs Winnifrith but has retained her own (Indian) surname. What say you? Political correctness gone mad?
As such the cats have come back with a form showing that they too now have an Indian surname. Born Manx, naturalised English, adopted Anglo Irish and now finally Indian. Such is the melting pot that is Britain today but it is understandable if Tara and Oakley are this morning feeling a little culturally confused.
Incidentally the vet said both cats were in great nick although Oakley (the one with three legs) was a little on the plump side and could do with a bit more exercise. Plus ca change on that front.
2584 days ago
Of course Oakley will always be Oakley and later this week we look forward to the installation of a dog flap which allow the obese but adorable creature to venture outside without us opening a door. Currently he can get no more than his head through the cat flap.
The Mrs has fallen in love with Oakley and has started calling him “Darling”. That used to be my name! As an alternative she is calling him “Pudding” which given that she is from the Grim North must be a reference to something that comes in a large portion and is very thick.
My own recently coined nickname is “Benefits Street” on the basis that Oakley spends the whole day in bed, will occasionally do a mess on the carpet because he thinks he has rights without responsibilities, while now and again popping downstairs to demand an extra-large hand-out from the Food Bank.
2596 days ago
I stumble out of bed at 5.30 determined to sub more of Zak Mir’s book before the markets opened. But I have an excuse, the back door is open and whilst one cat (Tara) is sitting there waiting for breakfast, my aged three legged cat Oakley is nowhere to be seen. Aha…hunt for Oakley and I can defer the torture of subbing Zak’s book – great news.
I stroll out into the garden and hear wailing from next door. Peering over the wall I see that, somehow, a hugely overweight cat with three legs has managed to make it over. But he appears unable to attempt the return journey and is just wailing. But it is 5.35 and our neighbours do not strike me as early risers. Indeed by 7.15 when the Mrs emerges to cook my breakfast there is still no light on at Number 58.
But then there is a wailing from outside the back door. It is Oakley. After God knows how many hours he has managed to remember how he got over the wall in the first place and has returned. Since he is far too obese to fit through the cat flap (we are buying a dog flap this weekend) he now demands to be let in. The Mrs, who loves Oakley more than she loves me, enjoys a tearful reunion with possibly the stupidest cat in South West England.
Drama over. Now to Zak’s book.
2890 days ago
Staffed entirely by global warming nutters the Met Office finally admitted in the Autumn that the world was not getting hotter and thus that its long term forecasts were …wrong. But at least we can rely on its short term forecasts then? Er…no.
The Met Office three-monthly outlook at the end of March 2012 stated: "The forecast for average UK rainfall slightly favours drier than average conditions for April-May-June, and slightly favours April being the driest of the three months." The Met Office has now ‘fessed up and states: "Given that April was the wettest since detailed records began in 1910 and the April-May-June quarter was also the wettest, this advice was not helpful."
But maybe that was a fluke? Er. Try this one: 20 December 2012: "For February and March the range of possible outcomes is also very broad, although above-average UK-mean temperatures become more likely". This week: The Met Office confirms that it could have been the coldest March in the UK for 51 years.
I could go on and on. The fact is that The Met’s long term forecasts have all be wrong and its short to medium term forecasts are sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Now if my three legged cat Oakley was making forecasts he would be right sometimes and wrong other times. But Oakley would cost the taxpayer far, far less. Is the Met Office a) fit for purpose or b) good value for money or c) neither?
2938 days ago
Brokerman Dan and others have asked for an update on my three-legged cat Oakley. The old boy seems fully recovered from the operation and life is back to normal. Sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, sleep, sleep and an occasional visit to the litter tray. It is as if nothing has changed. He has never been a very active cat.
To keep his army of admirers happy I attach a few recent photos of Oakley and his friend Tara. Oakley is the one with longer hair, more body mass and er…three legs
2976 days ago
Forget the fiscal cliff, my share tips of the year or why Fat Sam should be sacked as West Ham manager in May. Forget my pilgrimage to Margaret Thatcher’s birthplace, my Christmas culinary triumphs or my witterings about music – I am currently listening to Lene Lovich in case you were wondering. Judging by tweets, postings ion the blog and emails what folks want to know about is Oakley, my eleven year old cat who as of the week before Christmas has only three legs. Quite right… first things first.
He is not quite himself but the trend is positive. No longer does he have to wear the collar of shame to stop him scratching where his leg used to be before it was removed to deal with the tumour. He can scuttle around the place at quite a rate when he wants to. Which is not often. He can now jump up onto a bed. Rather frighteningly he was also able to jump out through a window and onto a slippery ledge four stories high. I panicked (being someone who suffers from chronic vertigo). He waited until I had left the room screaming and then hopped back through the window and sat there calmly grinning at me as I rushed back in.
Tara, my other eleven year old cat, is now sleeping alongside him and seems to have come to terms with his new shape. Indeed she rather enjoys the fact that Oakley demands to be carried to food since she can nick most of his meal before he realises it is there. In some ways he is back to his old self, crawling up the bed so that he can look directly into your face all night. In other ways there is still a bit of hesitation. There is a tendency to hide away most of the time under a bed or behind a door waiting to be fetched to be plonked onto a sofa.
He seems to be slowly coming to terms with what has happened although the poor creature will never understand. It is only two or three weeks ago that his leg was removed and so I am not surprised that he has not fully adjusted mentally. But the trend is positive. Thank you for all your kind wishes. I shall endeavour to post a couple of new photos next week.
2981 days ago
I am a great animal lover and, historically, a supporter of the RSPCA (and its IOM equivalent the MSPCA from where my cats Oakley and Tara came). It provided my cats and I think of it doing good works rehousing poets and stopping domestic cruelty. And that is what it used to do back in its 1970s heyday. It was a fluffy charity everyone loved. But then it sought a wider brief moving away from family pets to wider issues of animal welfare. These days it is a deeply political organisation obsessed with foxy woxy.
2997 days ago
Oakley (my cat) is through surgery. That is to say he now has only three legs. He is still at the vets but is expected to leave this evening. He appears to be more interested uin the fact that the nil by mouth regime is over and that after a day of fasting he can once again stuff his face. He was not known as fat cat for nothing.
There is one last trauma and that is that Tara ( his soul mate) has shifted to a Christmas home. She has showed her displeasure at the separation by a) mewling constantly and b) urinating in a bedroom c) refusing a breakfast of fine bacon. The two animals are not brother and sister but have not been separated in 11 years.
The great reunion is either tomorrow or Friday depending on other family matters – I trek back to Warwickshire tonight.
A photo of the patient will be posted later. Thanks again for all your kind enquiries and best wishes.
2998 days ago
Thanks for all the emails and the odd tweet. Oakley’s operation was delayed but his leg was finally removed later afternoon. He is spending the night at the vets and should be leaving there tomorrow. Tara – my other cat is not happy having spent her entire life with the Old Boy. But we are getting there. Thanks for all your kind thoughts. Roll on Christmas and recuperation for us all.
2998 days ago
I admit that one reason for light blogging is that I was led astray by Lucian, the Goddess and a few others at the Real Man Christmas drinks. I feel a bit fragile today. I am too old for all of this. But there is another reason for light blogging – Oakley (my cat) is back on the Vet’s operating table as we speak.
Greedy vet one clearly feels a bit guilty about the fact that he has stiffed me with an £846 bill and the operation has failed. Oakley’s leg was so weakened by the tumour that the skin cannot heal. And as such Oakley is off to a charity vet today. I shall leave without £140. Oakley will leave without one of his legs.
I know that he is just a cat. And I am all too aware that there are humans in much worse shape. But it is still not a day that I expected to come. It has all happened rather quickly.
I was trying to think of some convoluted and clever sentence involving the flag of where Oakley was born (the Isle of Man) – the triskelion , three legs. But I am a bit too hungover and worried to string words together. I am told that the Old Boy can have a good quality of life with three legs but somehow that seems a little hard to believe. To misquote animal farm “three legs good, four legs better.” It will all be over soon and then back home for a restful Christmas. Extra duck for Oakley.
3002 days ago
The ridiculous red plaster on his paw post tumour removal has come off. But as you can see ludicrous footwear has been replaced by preposterous headwear. This is to stop him nibbling his leg but the Old boy is not impressed at all.
It is all in a good cause.
3003 days ago
Before he gets paranoid and I get a snotty letter from Kerman’s this is not a story about the life of Dick Gill. Nor is it about life on this blog where we seem to have more and more readers. Unlike certain places I could mention. But it is a true story from the world of academia and Bristol University.
I spent a happy Sunday afternoon in a Bristol pub last week celebrating West Ham’s triumph over Chelski and met two academics who had been encouraged by the University to write a joint blog article for an in-house blog. That they had done and seemed to have enjoyed the exercise. So, er how many folks will read the piece I asked?
Easy, they replied. We can track it. Our article has been read by one person.
3004 days ago
The old boy had the operation yesterday. He is now back from the vets missing a chunk of tumour/leg. He is feeling sorry for himself. I am still feeling miffed at a total bill of c£750. The operation was a success in that most of the tumour was removed. But, there is a but.
3010 days ago
I thought that some Doctors were greedy but vets! Ouch. My oldest cat Oakley has a bit of a problem. And so the old boy ( pictured in his red black moriah) had to go to the vets today. Consultation and a couple of tests …that will be £220. Ouch. But it gets worse.
He has a tumour. It is benign but growing and is now affecting his leg and causing droplets of blood to fall on the carpet. An operation is needed urgently. That will be another £600. Ouch and double ouch.